Name: Sally the cash machine.
Age: Already too old for this joke of a world.
Appearance: Hard to say, since your vision will involuntarily blur and darken upon sight of her.
That bad? It sounds as if you’re just talking about a cash machine. You don’t understand. It’s a cash machine called Sally (or sometimes Mike or Jake). The things have names.
Why does it have a name? It’s part of a new Barclays initiative in a handful of branches to get customers used to its assisted service counters, which are basically gussied-up ATMs.
And why don’t they just call the machines assisted service counters? Because that makes them sound chilling and totalitarian, like their onscreen options would include “Receive lethal injection” and “Obey your faceless masters”.
So, what exactly is the problem with calling them “Sally”? Because it’s so twee. It doesn’t credit customers with any intelligence. It’s less a cash machine and more a cross between an Innocent smoothie bottle and the Terminator.
What’s wrong with Innocent smoothie bottles? Have you read the back of one? It’s like someone has dictated the ambient thoughts of the world’s most insufferable three-year-old.
Are we getting off-subject here? No, it’s all part of the same problem. These gigantic, terrifying corporations are trying to endear themselves to us by making themselves as infuriatingly cutesy and infantile as possible. It started with smoothies; now, it’s bank machines. Next thing you know, GlaxoSmithKline will be renaming itself Mr Glitterchop’s Yummy-Wummy Medicine Company.
I think you might be overreacting. I’m not. Barclays is getting rid of flesh-and-blood bank workers and giving folksy names to their robot replacements in the hope that we won’t be able to tell the difference.
If you hate it so much, why don’t you stop banking with Barclays? Oh, because it’s too complicated. All my Etsy money is paid into a Barclays account.
You have an Etsy page? Yes. I make artisan, heart-shaped bunting that spells out the phrase: “I Wuv Ooh, Snuggle-Bear.”
Really? Look, it’s different. It is.
Do say: “This is a cash machine. Its name is ‘Cash Machine’.”
Don’t say: “Press one to display your balance, two for a withdrawal or three for a big cuddle.”
