Are you in a stressful partnership with someone you love? One minute you're kissing and showing affection, but the next minute, you feel like you're married to an enemy.
Anytime two people are together on a regular basis, tension will arise.
No two people on earth are one hundred percent compatible. And, when they disagree, they usually jump right into slinging words as weapons.
"If I'd known my words were digging my marital grave, I would have used them more carefully," says a friend of ours who is in marriage counseling.
We'll call this friend Carlos. He's a nice guy, but he's also a natural born leader who is a little too macho. In fact, he'll be the first to point that out.
"My tough guy approach has hurt my wife deeply," he recently told us.
All of us, without exception, need constant reminders for getting along with our spouse or partner.
These tips can help:
_ Point out the other person's mistakes indirectly. For example, you might say, "Honey, should we try cutting back on salt? I've heard there are a lot of health benefits from that." Don't say, "Why do you go crazy with the salt shaker?"
_ Get honest about how you make your partner feel. How you make someone feel is the bottom line of any relationship. Do you make them feel special, appreciated, attractive?
_ Be consistent. Don't tell your husband or wife they look great one minute, but immediately point out they need to lose twenty pounds the next.
_ Use "we" language. For example, say, "We need to get a fitness program in place, so we can improve our health before we hit sixty." Don't say, "You are a bit pudgy around the middle, so you need to get in an exercise class before old age sets in."
One couple we know, who are both over eighty-five, have had a great relationship for sixty years. We'll call them Jenny and Tom.
"We've always tried to agree on everything," says Jenny. "We have avoided a lot of conflict by simply starting out each day trying to get on the same page. It hasn't worked perfectly, but it's worked very well."
Tom says he believes most of us know the reactions our mates will have in almost every situation. "You can guess exactly what your wife will say, if you do a certain thing," he laughs. "It's when we believe someone will react differently to what we suggest that we get into trouble."
Jenny agrees with Tom. She underscores the belief that we know exactly how to push or not push someone's hot buttons.
"It's not that I believe in telling little white lies or bending the truth to stay married," laughs Jenny. "But, trying to manipulate the outcome and maintain peace is always the way to go. Who wants to argue and clash every single day?"
A psychologist we'll call Dan says bragging on our mates is not silly, nor shallow. "I don't care if someone is one hundred years old, tell him or her how beautiful they are. Beauty is a spiritual quality, and any human who feels loved will ooze beauty."
So how do you deal with a mate who is flubbing up in certain areas? Maybe they are trying to give up drinking too much or overspending.
"Keep encouraging him or her," says Dan. "People try ten times harder if they have a support system."
