Have you ever wondered why some marriages last a long time? Were these people great judges of what would work? Did they magically find their ideal prince or princess?
We all question the success of marriages that endure for 40 or 50 years or longer. We wonder what kind of luck came along that spared these folks from divorce.
A friend of ours, who recently celebrated 40 years of marriage, likely hit the nail on the head. He told us, "The secret of hanging in there decade after decade is simple. When times are tough, you don't leave. There is no magic."
While we laughed at that wisdom, we got to thinking about couples we've known. The ones who've been married for a very long time have had extremely stressful issues. They weren't necessarily spared any of the pain that divorced couples endured. But, the ones who stayed together did so out of sheer determination.
"My husband had an affair 30 years ago," a woman we'll call Lisa told us. "It was a horrible time. Our youngest son had just gone off to college. I thought our lives were over."
Lisa admits that no one should put up with a cheating spouse, but in her case, she decided to see what could be worked out. She explained that she forgave her husband because it was just a weekend affair, not a true relationship.
"He went to a convention and met a woman who was a perfect stranger," says Lisa. "My point is: Don't throw away your marriage over a mistake."
Lisa is right. All marriages will weather some storms. It's likely a good idea to see if the marriage can be saved. Starting over is not as easy nor romantic as it looks.
"I got remarried in my late forties," says a man we'll call Aaron. "My second wife and I have just as many problems as we did with our first spouses. But because we're now in our fifties, we've both vowed to try hard to make this marriage work."
These tips can help you stay focused on how to stay together:
_Ask yourself: What am I willing to overlook? This helps you give up on perfectionism. If your spouse is not great with household chores or not great at finances, can you accept this?
_Ask: How can I smooth things over? If you have to hire someone to clean or mow, this can take some strain off your relationship. If a problem isn't a moral issue, try to invent ways to reduce stress.
_Be thankful for what's going well. For example, your spouse may hate social events and volunteer work. But, give him or her credit for helping you cook dinner and run errands. Don't overlook his or her efforts in all areas of life.
Any of us can find fault with our partners, if we try. It's easy to overlook our mate's devotion and plain hard work, if we compare our spouse to other people, too.
"Two years ago, my friend left her husband of 20 years for another man," a woman we'll call Sheila told us. "My friend found out pretty quickly she'd made a mistake. The guy she ended up with told her he has no intention of remarrying. She feels used and very, very angry."
