Do you get upset dealing with the personality flaws of other people? Maybe they want too much of your time or money.
Or, do they cast a bad reflection on you with their odd, or even immoral, behaviors?
All of us, without exception, need to steer clear of many situations involving friends, family members, and co-workers.
"Three years ago, I nearly had a mental breakdown," says an associate of ours we'll call Diane. "I got caught up in trying to help fix several people in my life."
Diane says her brother was drinking heavily. On top of this, her daughter's seemingly perfect in-laws were getting a divorce.
But, the straw that nearly broke the camel's back was this: Her son wanted to move in with Diana with his three kids because he was getting a divorce.
Most of us, without exception, like to jump in with comfort, advice, and warnings when we see other people in trouble.
"I was a nervous wreck trying to do an intervention on my brother," says Diane. "But, he just drank more. My daughter's in-laws, who are very sweet people, just cut me off. And last, my son just showed up on my doorstep with his children and a moving van outside."
If you have rocky situations and people in trouble stressing you out, try these tips to maintain some sanity:
_ Accept reality. If two people are divorcing, for example, don't add negative conversation to the mix. Deal with what's really going on and try not to judge them too harshly.
_ Don't try to fix people. If someone is abusing drugs or alcohol, tell yourself, "This person doesn't need fixing. Their pain needs addressing." Let them know you're there to listen. Offer to help them find help, but don't assign yourself the role of fixing them.
_ Help others get over the hump of chaos. At times, you may have to stretch your heart and your finances. For instance, if your son and grandchildren show up to move in, accept this as a temporary situation.
Your role as a friend to someone under stress is to become supportive of them. This doesn't mean you have to come up with the answers for them. That's their job.
Be sure to tell someone, "I wish I knew the answers, but I don't. However, I'm here to listen or help you call someone who can advise you."
We can all get into real trouble trying to act as a lawyer, minister, counselor or banker to someone whose life is out of control. They need to look for practical options, but you have to make certain they aren't making you their solution.
"People in trouble hate feeling out of control," says a counselor friend of ours. We'll call him Dave. "If I can help them look at their options, they feel stronger. I assure you, we all feel better when we're pushing our own buttons," Dave insists.
Dave says that people he counsels hate it when their relatives or co-workers view them as weak. "That's why we all should avoid pointing out the mistakes and weaknesses of others," says Dave. "The only way to empower anyone is to brag on them. Keep telling someone you believe in them."
Dave goes on to say, "It's important to know the weaknesses of others. However, a wise person learns to steer around the obvious. Jabbing at others' weaknesses will destroy any relationship."
