Do you have relatives, business associates, or neighbors who simply drive you nuts? You try to be nice to them, but they keep unloading their craziness on you.
For example, one couple in your circle of friends might be drinking too much. They argue and then call you to act as referee. Or, do you work with somebody who asks for assistance 10 times a day? You can’t focus.
You’d like to know how to manage these irritating, imperfect people. Do you abandon them for life? Do you call them up and verbally blast them? Or, do you nudge them toward counseling with a therapist?
Dealing with difficult people is largely an art form. You need creative tools, good self-help principles, and the ability to set healthy boundaries.
“Every person I know has a few unmanageable people,” says a psychologist who works with veterans and their families. We’ll call her Teresa.
“The medical workers here at our VA hospital have adult children, cousins, neighbors and in-laws who cause them grief,” Teresa insists. “ We all have people we’d label as out-of-control.”
Here are tips for finding some relief:
– Stop believing people will change miraculously. People only change when an event happens to them. This is known as a “wake-up call.” You can lecture all day, but most people have to experience a major slap in the face. When life rattles them, they’ll figure out how to change.
– Change yourself first and foremost. If a co-worker is in your face all day, set some limits. Tell him or her, “Please write down your questions for me. I can’t interrupt my work constantly. I have to stay focused.”
– Don’t become an eternal sounding board. If someone’s husband in your circle drinks too much, don’t allow her to complain to you night after night. Tell the complainer, “You need to join Al-Anon. They can give you the right information to cope. I can’t.”
– Never set yourself up for pain. For example, if your brother-in-law is always hitting you with insults, protect yourself. Say “hello” to him at family gatherings. Then, distance yourself physically from him.
“One way to deal with hurtful people is to call them aside,” says Teresa, mentioned above. “Never try to punch back in front of others. Instead say, ‘Would you mind stepping outside with me? I have something to say to you.’”
Teresa insists, “Calling someone aside for defending yourself is much better. You can look into their eyes and declare: ‘Someone needs to teach you some manners.’”
Thinking about how to handle weirdos, ill-natured individuals, and just plain goofy people ahead of time is key.
Humor is also a lifesaver, if you’re quick-witted.
One family we know has a sister-in-law, whom we’ll call Sherry. Sherry, who is an expert at insulting others, had a stroke a few years back. The stroke triggered her desire to ramp up her insults.
“Sherry actually told the bride at a family wedding that her dress wasn’t appropriate,” says Sherry’s sister-in-law Betty. Betty is a master jokster and very good with come-backs.
Betty slowly sauntered over to Sherry and said, “Now, listen, lady. Everyone doesn’t need a maternity dress like you wore at your wedding!”
Humor, verbal boundaries, avoidance, and direct confrontation all work. Just be sure you aren’t lowering your own standards of behavior to hit back.
“On several occasions, I’ve have gone too far with my humor,” says Betty. “I’ve learned that making a fool of oneself is never worth it.”
