Have you ever considered the role of in-laws in your future marriage?
Do you realize that these individuals may play a broader role in your life than your mate?
This is because you're selecting people who will interact with your children, if you plan to have them. They will play roles such as grandmother, grandfather, aunts, uncles and so forth.
Keep in mind, too, that your in-laws will be raising your children's cousins. Cousins can be a huge joy in the life of your child.
"My husband and I divorced five years ago," says a friend of ours we'll call Lilly. "My in-laws made everything much easier for my three children. They are very nice people who put the kids' needs above everything. I'm lucky in that regard."
While no one can magically select a family group that will be a class act, it's important to review the in-laws' actions when you marry into a family. Your potential mate learned a lot of behaviors from these folks.
At the very minimum, you can choose how close you want to live to them. And, you can set boundaries with your time and how you share information with them.
These questions can help you take a better look:
_Do the potential in-laws drink too much? If regular weekend partying is the norm, this gives you one piece of the puzzle. You want to build a life with mature, sober, thoughtful people in the picture.
_Is gossip prevalent? Marrying into a group that makes a lot of unkind remarks isn't good. If gossip is gold to them, they will try to collect dirt on you.
_Is there a lot of infighting in the clan? Jealousy, misunderstandings and yelling aren't good.
_How would your future children regard these people? Would your children, as teenagers and adults, feel proud to call them family?
Falling in love isn't as simple as deciding to intellectually choose a spouse and future in-laws. But, if there are screaming stop signs, pay attention.
"I was dating a rich guy who seemed too good to be true," says a friend of ours we'll call Sharon. "The relatives were a bunch of dishonest people who drove fancy cars but had no real jobs. Thank God I started questioning the situation."
Sharon says this group was soon indicted for all sorts of illegal activities. Had she stayed and perhaps married into the clan, she'd likely be in a mess.
Mentally healthy families are usually very much alike. They are at ease with each other, supportive of each other, and find joy in eating meals together and just spending time together.
Do pay attention to family members who make crude remarks, speak disrespectfully about neighbors or people in general and refuse to engage in meaningful conversations.
Do they discuss politics with a decent amount of thoughtfulness? How anyone treats someone they strongly disagree with tells you a lot. Language is a potent magnifying glass about we regard people and society in general.
"I married into a family that has a strong sense of humor," says a friend of ours we'll call Evan. "When things are on shaky ground, they try not to be overly harsh. I like that. People who never show resiliency and a spirit of what I call 'bounce back' stay depressed. They'll usually drag you down too."
