Did you know that each of us have different requirements for feeling loved? For example, your husband may feel loved when you watch football with him. Or, your sister may feel loved when you share family history with her.
As our nation faces the emotional challenge of cooling stress among all races, we have to begin by understanding what makes other people feel loved and cared for.
"I've had African American friends all of my life," says a friend of ours we'll call Evelyn. "But, it shocked me recently when one friend told me she had a problem. She said I was always saying, 'I don't see color.' She's very proud of her heritage, and she said my statement didn't feel right to her."
Evelyn has asked this friend and her friend's family to open up more. "I want to know what's hurting them, and I want to know what I can do to help," Evelyn insists.
"What's interesting is that we can't assume anything about other people," says a psychologist we'll call Jonathan. "Some of my clients get angry because their parents forced them to take music lessons and play soccer. Other clients say they wished their parents had made them participate in music and sports."
"When it comes to respecting other people," says a minister we'll call Russell, "it's great when we help other people find financial independence. I love the nationally-known minister, T.D. Jakes. He's always encouraging everyone to be entrepreneurial.
"A good income will make anyone feel more empowered," says Russell. "I was thrilled recently when the Netflix executives contributed $120 million to education for black Americans. This is really going to make a huge difference for their families for generations to come."
As parents, we all need to teach racial equality in ways such as this:
_ Buy your children dolls of different races. Explain to each child the beauty of diversity, and how we all contribute various music, art, and ideas to the world.
_ Help your children become friends with people of different races. First, find friends at work or church to connect with yourself. Then, help your children build relationships with them and their families.
_ Offer to mentor children of a different race. Do this through your local Boys Club or Girls Club, so you're following a program that works. During the COVID-19 crisis, you might offer math tutoring via Skype or organize an online book club for young kids.
"After all the recent events on the news, I feel totally helpless to reach out to people of different races," says a grandmother of five. We'll call her Lois. "I hate all the anger and violence, but yet, I understand that stress won't stay contained forever."
Here's how an individual's stress can turn into violence: first, personal frustrations may eventually turn into chronic stress; eventually, when nothing changes, stress turns into anger; then, personal anger turns into hate; and finally, hate turns into violence.
That's why we all need to discuss our frustrations about racial inequality. Frustration means we don't feel heard.
"Speaking to people of another race and making eye contact is important," says a mall manager we'll call Shawn. "I've noticed more friendliness at our mall these days in East Tennessee. White people are smiling, waving, nodding to their Black neighbors and vice versa. Friendly body language and friendly conversation is the starting point for closeness."
