Time magazine named German chancellor Angel Merkel its Person of the Year on Wednesday. It is a prestigious award, one which has been won by Barack Obama, Pope John Paul II and Adolf Hitler. (You don’t necessarily have to be nice to win the award.)
This year, Time’s shortlist included Caitlyn Jenner, as well as former winner Vladimir Putin, Isis leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and Donald Trump.
Not to be outdone by Time, here’s our shortlist:
The hoverboard
The film Back to the Future II is set in 2015. In that film Marty McFly, the lead protagonist, had a hoverboard. The hoverboard was exactly as it sounded. It hovered above the ground. It was a board.
In the real world, hoverboards also became available in 2015. They have become the hot new thing and are the must-have Christmas item. Justin Bieber has been seen riding one. Skrillex has been seen riding one. Chris Brown has been seen riding one. There’s probably some cool people who have been seen riding them, too.
The only thing that could keep hoverboards from being person of the year – setting aside the fact they aren’t a person – is that, compared to the vision of hoverboards we were once sold, they are rubbish. Real-life hoverboards a) don’t even hover, b) aren’t even board-shaped and c) have little flashing lights like a child’s high-top trainers.
What’s more, it turns out that in many places hoverboards aren’t even legal. Wiz Khalifa was arrested for riding one around Los Angeles international airport in August. You can’t ride them in New York City or in London. They also seem to catch on fire a lot.
The Earth
Our planet makes the shortlist after making it through the year without being destroyed, contrary to several predictions.
In September the Earth experienced both a lunar eclipse and a supermoon, which combined to turn the moon red. The phenomenon was dubbed a “blood moon” and brought with it prophecies that the world would be obliterated.
At the time of writing, however, the planet was still here: a remarkable show of resilience given that some expected it to be annihilated on 7 October.
Fans of the Earth – which was formed around 4.54bn years ago and is home to 7.3bn humans – can rest easy for the moment. Although perhaps not that easy. In the US, most of the Republican presidential candidates do not believe climate change is caused by humans, while at the Paris climate conference a deal over limiting emissions is yet to be secured. While the earth might not technically be destroyed any time soon, it could certainly be ruined.
On the bright side, however inhospitable the Earth is rendered, it should be around for some time. Scientists believe the sun will eventually destroy the planet, but only in about 7.6bn years’ time.
Kim Davis
Davis is the Kentucky clerk who rose to prominence in 2015 after refusing to do her job. Specifically, she refused to marry same-sex couples, despite the supreme court ruling that as a clerk she had to marry same-sex couples.
Davis, a Christian, argued that it went against her religion – a religion based on love, kindness and goodwill – for her to allow gay people to get married. After defying several court orders she was jailed for six days before being released in September.
Upon her release, Davis faced further trauma when she was met by Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. The former Arkansas governor, Christian minister and bass guitarist waved Davis up onto a stage outside Carter County jail as Eye of the Tiger blasted over a speaker system.
Huckabee held one of Davis’s arms aloft, like a trainer encouraging a prizefighter, as she threw her head back and looked to the heavens. It was enough to melt even the most bigoted of hearts.
Donald Trump
The 69-year-old Republican frontrunner makes both the Time shortlist and this shortlist after a year in which he said Mexicans were rapists, Muslims should be barred from the country, and suggested Fox News’ Megyn Kelly was on her period.
By any measure Trump has had a busy year. But his 2015 has not just been taken up by offending multiple minority groups, the world’s 1.6bn followers of Islam, and women.
He also added to the Trump canon, with the publication of Crippled America: a 169-page autobiography/campaign manifesto. The book was notable for its repeated references to the number of times he has been unfairly criticised in the media, and for its repeated mentions of his imperviousness to that criticism.
Also in 2015, Trump was compared to a husk of corn, a caterpillar and a doughnut.
He was dropped by numerous companies after his aforementioned claims that Mexican immigrants were rapists. He was also bafflingly invited to host Saturday Night Live. Activists protested outside NBC’s Manhattan studios. Viewers protested at home. The show was awful.
