THAT SINKING FEELING
If Southampton lose at Swansea, their players will be locked in a disused lighthouse and whipped for several weeks with dead seagulls before being fed to a harem of foul-tempered seals. Sorry, reader, The Fiver has just seen some previews and felt the need to test a theory, which turns out to be unsound: it clearly is possible to overstate the importance of Tuesday’s big relegation showdown.
But it’s a doozy of a clash, all the same, and definitely not the sort that a manager would want to lose without an excuse. Happily, Ailsa from Home and Away has one to hand if required, thanks to the Marriott hotel in Swansea. Southampton turned up there on Monday and prepared to tuck Nathan Redmond into bed when staff informed the club their booking could not be fulfilled because of a sudden outbreak of a virus. Mysteriously, the hotel’s website suggested other guests could still be accommodated but Southampton were told to go elsewhere, and the only place that could meet their princess-and-the-pea like criteria is close to Cardiff. The switch could add at least an hour to Southampton’s pre-match drive. So that’s effectively a two-goal lead for Swansea already, right?
Not that football’s most prolific conspiracy theorist since David Icke needs help finding external factors to blame for his team’s failures. Back in August, for instance, he attributed his Stoke side’s inability to beat West Brom to the grass at the Hawthorns, which, reckoned Ailsa, had been deliberately left long to sabotage the intricate passing of Ryan Shawcross and Peter Crouch. And there is scarcely a referee in England who hasn’t been accused of ineptitude by a manager who is perilously close to being involved in the relegation of two clubs in one season.
That wouldn’t be a unique feat, in fairness. In fact, it could be the start of a hat-trick like the one English football enjoyed in the 1980s. Ron Saunders got the ball rolling in 1986 when, five years after winning the title with Aston Villa, he gilded his legendary status at Villa Park by leading Birmingham City and West Brom towards the drop. Villa fans didn’t get to laugh about that for long, though. Because the following season they went down under Billy McNeill, hired after leaving Manchester City, who went down with them. And the season after that Dave Bassett completed things in style, leaving Watford when they were falling out of the top flight only to take over Sheffield United, who were promptly relegated to the third tier.
It would be some going to join that roll of honour, not least because it would entail failing to win against a Swansea side that have only scored two goals in their last seven matches and appear to be running exclusively on Carlos Carvalhal’s amusing metaphors. Hope also comes from knowing that, while Southampton face Manchester City on the final day of the season, Swansea’s last match is against Ailsa’s fallen former club, Stoke.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Paul Doyle from 7.45pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Swansea 1-1 Southampton.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“For most of the girls it’s expected that, if you come from a Middle Eastern country, you have to behave ‘like a girl’. Me going in and telling them my story and how far I’ve got with my football, choosing football, I think that’s a brilliant image to put out there” – Afghanistan captain Shabnam Mobarez talks to Suzanne Wrack about her footballing mission.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on … the Premier League relegation dogfight and Mr Roy breaking hearts.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join Max and the pod for our latest edition of Football Weekly.
THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition, on Japan.
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FIVER LETTERS
“‘I think some players have been getting away with murder for a long time’ and ‘a lack of discipline from certain players has been embarrassing’, says Charlie Adam, who got sent off in the 30th minute of Stoke’s home defeat to Everton and missed a last-minute penalty in Stoke’s home draw with Brighton. Pot, kettle, etc” – Noble Francis.
“Can I be the first of 1,057 happy Blackeye Rovers fans to express great pleasure engendered by your delicious misprint (Friday’s Fiver) that Burnley were in danger of being relegated from the Championship. Just the thought that we could wave goodbye to them as we swapped places made the actual reality of them being in Europe more palatable” – John Myles (and 1,056 others).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Noble Francis.
THE RECAP
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Promotion’s Neil Warnock sounds like he’s ready to make a few friends with his Cardiff tactics in the Premier League next season. “We’re going to ruffle a few feathers,” he roared. “That’s all we can do. It’s not rocket science when you take that top six out.”
Uefa has fined the Russian FA £22,000 after some absolute pieces of work racially abused France players in a friendly in March. £22,000!
Joe Thompson, twice treated for cancer, has spoken of his joy at having kept Rochdale in League One after scoring their winner against Charlton. “I’d like to dedicate that goal to every person who has been affected by cancer especially the ones that are going through it now … all the pain and dark days have been worth it just for that one little moment.”
Relegated in their stead, Oldham have bundled their chief suit through the door marked Do One. “Simon Corney is no longer the [chief suit] of the club and has been removed from his position,” growled a moody statement.
Joe Gomez has been ruled out of Liverpool’s Big Cup final and England’s second-round World Cup exit after surgery on ankle-knack.
Arsenal’s Laurent Koscielny will be sidelined for six months as he recovers from achilles-tendon-snap.
Ambitious Paul’s future as Stoke boss is looking shakier than Granny Fiver on her Vibrofit because of a break clause that means the relegated club can fire him back into the job market.
Bournemouth could be about to splurge £10m on Porto defender Diogo Queiros.
And West Ham fans will be delighted to hear their much-loved Thunderdome O’Doom will be wrenched all over the place so that two games of American rounders can be played there in June between the New York Yankee Doodle Dandies and Liverpool Red Sox.
STILL WANT MORE?
Former Orient, Colchester and Northampton striker Scott McGleish is 44, has played more than 1,000 games and wants to keep going, he tells Simon Burnton.
DeAndre Yedlin gets his chat on with Louise Taylor, about Newcastle’s Rafa-love, his fashion range and the problem with Trump.
The real Ronaldo and the 1998 final: our latest World Cup stunning moment.
“I was about a week away from going back to the Philippines.” Instead the Cardiff keeper Neil Etheridge is going to the Premier League.
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