BETTER CALL SAÚL
The Fiver loves nothing better than being tapped on the shoulder by The Man on a Friday afternoon to be asked for its hot take on the Euro U-21 final between Spain and Germany. OK, The Fiver can think of few things worse. It’s why we gave our stereotypical Spanish cousin, Juan de la Juan de la Juan de la Juan Straw Donkey Acoustic Guitar Olé Olé Olé Eldorado Sun Sea Sand Dust Fiver a ring to see whether he had any thoughts, because we certainly didn’t have any. Turns out he was sleeping. Well, what with the time being 12.53pm he had been awake a full hour, and having consumed 24 ham and cheese croquetas, two helpings of patatas bravas, a dozen bits of squid and a bottle of rioja to wash it down with, who could begrudge him an early siesta?
So to flesh out this second paragraph we gave our Lederhosen-wearing, trombone-blowing, pumpernickel-eating stereotypical German cousin, Oompah! Oompah! Achtung! Schnell! Schnell! Schnell! Fünfer a bell to see if he could get us out of a tight one. But Granny Fünfer said she hadn’t seen him since he went to a Berlin warehouse party in 2015 after mistaking it for a zumba class. Mercifully, Saúl Ñíguez was on hand to flap his gums around a bit and get this shambles up and running. “This is a last hurrah for the 1994-95 generation,” he cheered, causing Alan Shearer and Tactics Tim to reach for their old Blackeye Rovers kits. “We have to approach [the final] like Atlético Madrid would: one game at a time, in the knowledge it could be our last time.”
To our ear, Ñíguez sounds like a grizzled old campaigner sharpening his knife in the hope he’ll collect another trophy and another scar before he loses the battle fever for good – but perhaps we’ve watched Apocalypse Now once too often. Having spanked a hat-trick past Italy inside 21 second-half minutes in the semis, Ñíguez is more than capable of inflicting damage though. He’s already made almost a ton of appearances for Atlético, overcome a debilitating kidney injury that had him passing blood and he has a Big Cup back catalogue to boot. All in all, it’s the kind of experience Adrian ‘Aidy’ Boothroyd could only have dreamed of.
And that’s the thing: Spain and Germany’s U-21s have a load of players at this tournament who, while not taking it lightly, have gone about it with a whiff of William Big Time about them. Germany captain Max Arnold already has a Big Cup goal against Real Madrid under his belt – and his receding hairline doesn’t half give him the distinguished Jim Robinson from Neighbours-look too. Spain skipper Gerard Deulofeu’s ego seems to have been around since OK Computer and Marco Asensio is a Real Madrid starlet who, if The Fiver’s contact on the internet is to be believed, will soon be playing with the knowledge his club value him at 310m fat ones. And if that’s not enough self-assuredness for you, it says here that Germany’s keeper Julian Pollersbeck was wily enough to stuff a meaningless teamsheet down a sock before the penalty shootout against England so he could give it an obvious glance now and then to make the Boothboys think it was a cheat sheet and get a touch of the yips.
It’s a fine trick for sure but Pollersbeck may want to consider pulling a gigantic pair of foam gloves out of his stockings before this game as Spain have rattled 12 goals past four teams while playing like a bunch of wise old pros toying with callow YTS lads in a post-training five-a-side. But the Mini Mannschaft hardly lack self belief. Expect a who’s who of hubris folks. And may the loftiest lot win.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Paul Doyle from 7.45pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Germany 2-3 Spain in the Euro U-21 final.
QUOTES OF THE DAY
“I know our supporters will give Josh a warm welcome to the club and I am looking forward to working with him, as we continue our preparations for the competitive season which got off to a winning start last night” – Linfield manager David Healy on signing former York City defender Josh Robinson.
[An hour later …]
“It was very easy to deal with Josh. He was happy to come to my home on 9 June and quickly agreed terms and duly signed a pre contract dated 29/6/17. It’s great to have Josh back in the fold” – Tommy Whiteside, treasurer of Belfast rivals Crusaders, on … er … signing former York City defender Josh Robinson. To the IFA!
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FIVER LETTER
“Speaking as someone who supports two Scottish teams – Stirling Albion and Airdrieonians – that underperform as if by instinct, I thought I’d check out the link to the article on Montrose’s dismal 21 years (yesterday’s Still Want Mores) and indulge in a bit of downward comparison to make myself feel better. The link, however ,suggested Montrose might have turned a corner given they have around £220m to spend and now have a debonair manager so used to the big stage that he even reads out the teamsheet using a microphone. Looks like Albion can kiss goodbye to the Third Division title next season, I thought. But then I realised, ah, there must have been another Tin-shortage crisis requiring a dash to the shops, they’ve gone and left Weird Uncle Fiver alone with the computer again, haven’t they? Count your blessings, I told myself: that link could have taken you to a far, far more disturbing place” – Kevin McKee [gah. Here you go – Fiver Ed].
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Kevin McKee.
BITS AND BOBS
To the battle for Antonio Rüdiger: Roma are holding out for €45m, while Chelsea are holding out for a hero €35m outlay.
Chilean tease Alexis Sánchez says he’s decided where he’ll be playing next season but can’t say if it will still be at Arsenal. “It’s clear [in my mind] but I can’t tell you anything,” he parped.
That schoolboy XI from North Rhine-Westphalia dumped all over Mexico to book their place in Sunday’s Confederations Cup final against Chile. Yay Fifa!
Manchester City and Tottenham are so desperate for silverware that they’ve entered next season’s Checkatrade Trophy. Alas, Chelsea are also involved.
Chelsea are £20m better off after shifting Nathan Aké to Bournemouth on a permanent basis, while Huddersfield have also broken their club record to sign Aaron Mooy.
The Terriers have also tied down manager David Wagner to a new contract. “I’m realistic as a chairman and if that penalty had not gone in at Wembley then David would probably have gone on to bigger and better things,” tooted Dean Hoyle. “But we achieved the dream and David has made a really good point. We won’t be competitive financially, but we weren’t in the Championship.”
And Progres Niederkorn boss Paolo Amodio is feeling upbeat after a 1-0 defeat at the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers in their Big Vase first-leg qualifier. “They probably expected to win by five or six goals and it’s not the case so anything could happen next week,” he whooped.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
The 2016-17 season’s premier crisis club Leyton Orient are under refreshing new ownership. Chairman Nigel Travis gets his chat on with Dave Hytner, and reckons ‘starting from scratch isn’t all bad’ as they prepare for life in the National League.
Floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson offers a detailed and disapproving tut at the transfer window frenzy, which he says is of little help in developing young players.
Emotions continue to run high at Arsenal, with promises of change but fears that the search for more profound improvement will continue to be elusive, writes Amy Lawrence.
Ed Aarons profiles Saúl before that big U-21 shindig.
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