BYE-RN
As those of you who have been reading the world’s most unfunny tea-time email for however many years it is since the lame gags and unconvincing links began, even a genius can get it wrong from time to time. Take that sentence, for instance. It was terrible. A classic example of how not to write something satirical. You didn’t even get close to laughing, did you. You didn’t even get close to a t1tter. If there was a textbook for this kind of thing, that sentence would appear next to a man with a frowny face, holding two thumbs down. It happens, even to the best of us. The Fiver can’t think of anything funny to say, which essentially makes it redundant given that’s its job. Ah well. Nothing you can do about it anyway, you’re not The Fiver’s boss, and The Man is too busy hoping no one notices that he spends his days playing solitaire and scouring the internet for a captain’s armband he can wear with pride around the office.
Geniuses cannot genius every day, especially when they come up against geniuses who are able to genius that bit better than them. Now, Pep “Pep” Guardiola is widely regarded as the finest manager in the world. Chairmen want to have him, players want to play for him, journalists and hipsters alike want to be on first-name terms with him. Pep. Pep! Pep! Oh, Pep! Oh, Pep. Pep. Poor Pep. In the end, his touchline schemings were no match for the majesty of Barcelona’s brilliant front three of Lionel Messi, Luis Suárez and Neymar. Actually, that’s not right. From the start, his touchline schemings were no match for the majesty of Barcelona’s brilliant front three of Lionel Messi, Luis Suárez and Neymar. Yes, that’s better.
It was a chastening Big Cup exit for Bayern Munich, made all the more harrowing by the hope that cruelly presented itself to them when Mehdi Benatia headed them into the lead after seven minutes. Briefly, agonisingly, they dreamt of clawing back that 3-0 deficit from the first leg, but it was not to be. Although Bayern won 3-2 on the night, Barcelona led 5-1 on aggregate by the 29th minute, two goals from Neymar ending the tie as a contest, and the Germans were only allowed back into the match after their opponents pressed the snooze button at half-time.
Both of Neymar’s goals were set up by Suárez, although the pre-assist, to use the language of the internet tactician, came from Messi. “He is back, he is there where I had the privilege to train him,” Mr Pep said. “He is definitely back at his best.” And helped, it must be said, by the comical state of Bayern’s defence, who appeared to mistake the 5ft 6in Messi for an Argentinian Andy Carroll when he was allowed to nod Suárez through in the build-up to Barcelona’s second goal. Ultimately Bayern’s shambolic defending was secondary to the story of Barcelona’s attacking class. They were deserving winners and their manager, Jose Enrique or something, or Anthony, has led them to their first Big Cup final in four years. “When Barça have the ball they are extremely strong,” Mr Pep said. “I hope in Berlin they can win the fifth [Big] Cup.”
Tonight Barcelona will find out whether Real Madrid or Plucky Little Juventus will be their opponents on 6 June. Plucky Little Juventus, in the unlikely role of neutrals’ favourites, have a 2-1 lead to protect at the Bernabéu and they will fancy their chances. Real are teetering. The title is slipping away – Barcelona could win La Liga on Sunday – and ruction is in the air, with Gareth Bale’s Mr 15%, Jonathan Barnett, putting the Welshman’s sketchy form down to his team-mates refusing to pass to him. “Real have to work with Gareth and pass the ball to him more,” Barnett roared. “He’s going to be the best player at Real Madrid when his team-mates work with him and help him. Hopefully Real will come to terms with this. It’s plain to see when you watch the games.” Carlo Ancelotti’s eyebrow almost went through the roof.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Jacob Steinberg from 7.45pm BST for MBM coverage of Real Madrid 1-1 Juventus (2-3 on agg).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“While she gets a three-match ban I, in effect, get a 15-game ban in the league as well as cup games. She’s clearly not good enough to be playing at this level. Sure, she apologised as I got stretchered off and Sunderland subsequently apologised to Arsenal. That’s all well and good but she should be thinking more about how to tackle, not how to apologise” – Arsenal Ladies forward Kelly Smith fumes at Sunderland’s Abby Holmes, whose challenge left the former England player needing surgery on ankle-gah!
FIVER LETTERS
“I had a similar experience to Leo Roberts (yesterday’s Fiver letters) in an interview. Many, many years ago I applied for industrial scholarships before going to university. Attending an interview for one firm held in a London hotel, I said that I’d been offered a place at a number of universities but only had a refusal from one – Bradford. Asked how I felt about this I replied that I didn’t really fancy spending any time in Bradford anyway. Informed that the headquarters of the company was actually in Bradford I resolved to do better homework in future – and then left” – Gerald Kreinczes.
“Did Leo Roberts get the job?” – Mark Jeffries.
“How dare you start off a Fiver with an 18-line paragraph of impenetrable bafflegab! I blithely opened your missive in our server room at 17.04 on Tuesday afternoon, expecting five minutes of light relief, and woke up about three minutes ago, at 02:52 on Weds. No Tin involved, but I still missed my last bus. Oh hell, I’m still claiming overtime. So, thank you, I think. Can someone let me out of here?” – Chris Harrison.
“Well done. Maybe next time, just stick to another gripping Big Cup preview about the same teams that play each other season after season” – Martin Nash, “Wembley-bound Swindon supporter”.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Gerald Kreinczes.
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BITS AND BOBS
Specialist in failure Dean Saunders will get the chance to take down a fourth club in five seasons after landing on his feet as Chesterfield manager. “It is a great opportunity as this is a club on the rise, run by good people,” he whooped.
Leyton Orient boss Fabio Liverani is now former Leyton Orient boss Fabio Liverani.
12 May: “Lads [sic] Night! #pokernight #championsleague” – Manchester United and England defender Chris Smalling prepares to take in last night’s Big Cup action. 13 May: Firefighters confirm they had to tackle a hot tub blaze at Smalling’s home.
Meanwhile, brawling idiots in the Old Trafford stands at last night’s U-21 Manchester derby have prompted United to vow that they’ll punish them. “The fans that have been identified will be dealt through the usual channels,” parped a United statement after United ran out 4-0 winners over City.
Here’s your monthly Radamel Falcao mum update: “If God shows him a new path, he’ll leave Manchester; if not, he’ll stay,” cooed Carmenza Zárate.
And former Fifa vice-president Reynald Temarii has been banned from football for eight years after using £220,000 of Mohamed bin Hammam’s money to pay legal costs in a corruption case linked to the 2022 World Cup vote.
STILL WANT MORE?
Violence is killing Turkish football and no one is doing anything about it. Words: Ugur Meleke.
Win! Win! Win! We’ve got (home) tickets for West Brom v Chelsea next Monday night up for grabs.
Here’s Pseuds Corner star Jonathan Wilson on Carlos Tevez.
This week’s Knowledge column tackles the subjects of non-nation states at major tournaments, topping the scoring charts twice in a season, obscure people getting red cards and more.
What next for Pep and Bayern? Barney Ronay offers his thoughts.
Marc-André ter Stegen has made his case for being undisputed Barcelona No1, writes Ian McCourt.
Rotherham boss Steve Evans stars in the latest edition of The Gallery. Next: send us your Jérôme Boatengs.
Will a pub team beat US soccerball’s best in the Open Cup? Bryan Kay has the skinny.
Jason Humphreys reassesses Second-Choice Steve’s time at Wolfsburg.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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‘SORRY, GOLDIE’S IN YOUR OFFICE’
