Get all your news in one place
100’s of premium titles. One news app. Zero ads. Just $10 per month.

People think CERN's Large Hadron Collider will open up portals to hell

After a three-year hiatus for repairs and upgrades, the Large Hadron Collider operated by the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) is back online. Scientists operating the world’s largest particle collider are once again searching for the existence of the fundamental particles known as the Higgs boson, which appeared after the Big Bang — or at least, that’s what they want you to believe.

You see, while scientists claim to be researching the origins of the universe and have produced a massive amount of research and scholarship to back this up, the truth-tellers on Twitter know better. The Large Hadron Collider is no tool for understanding our own existence. It is instead a tool to usher in the apocalypse and open a portal to hell. All of this was foretold by the ancient and predictive scroll known as ... Dr. Strange and the Multiverse of Madness.

Look, parsing this is an exercise in futility because the theories that people have cooked up about CERN’s particle collider are certified bonkers. But there is a surprisingly not-so-small contingent of internet sleuths who are pretty sure they’ve discovered the true purpose of the machine, and we shouldn’t ignore the fact that these people exist.

Deciding which collider conspiracy you’d like to believe is a bit of a choose your own adventure book. Would you like some faith and religion sprinkled in there? Try “CERN is summoning the devil” on for size. The evidence: CERN has “666” in its logo and the collider’s loop is 16.6 miles in circumference, which is apparently close enough to the devil’s number to count. In this telling of the story, CERN is opening a portal to hell under the Earth’s surface.

Maybe you’re more into the supernatural. Then perhaps the shadow people conspiracy is more your speed. In this explanation, CERN is inviting in “shadow people” from another dimension. You’ll be able to spot these people — amorphous, black clouds in the outline of a human — in your peripheral vision. It’s unclear what they do other than chill, but it does seem bad to invite interdimensional beings onto our plane.

If you fancy yourself more of a puzzle box type person who likes to piece together a mystery, then the “Hollywood has been warning us” theory should be up your alley. According to these experts, some of the sci-fi stories told in the last few years have been preparing us for CERN’s true intention: opening up a portal to another dimension. The proof: Well, Stranger Things did it. And so did the latest entry in the Dr. Strange franchise, kind of.

A good question for any of these conspiratorial explanations for the Large Hadron Collider is simply: Why? Like, why would scientists do these things? Presumably, the answer is that they are controlled by Satan, or are just too arrogant to restrain themselves, or something. But frankly, if scientists are creative enough to build a machine that can rip a hole in our very reality, surely they can come up with something better than a middling entry into the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Related Stories
New discovery could help unlock building blocks of the universe
Scientists working with the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) have discovered three subatomic particles never seen before as they work to…
One subscription that gives you access to news from hundreds of sites
Hadron Collider: What could subatomic particle smasher reveal?
World’s largest collider, which revealed Higgs boson particle, has started a third round of experiments after upgrades.
Large Hadron Collider revs up to bash protons, shed light on dark matter
Ten years after it helped reveal the existence of the particle known as the Higgs boson, the Large Hadron Collider…
The Large Hadron Collider will embark on a third run to uncover more cosmic secrets
Ten years ago, the discovery of the Higgs Boson particle helped make sense of our universe. But in doing so,…
Cern gears up for more discoveries 10 years after ‘God particle’ find
With the Higgs boson already in the bag, the Large Hadron Collider begins another period of data collection
One subscription that gives you access to news from hundreds of sites
Cern physicists find evidence of three new ‘exotic’ particles as Large Hadron Collider comes back online
‘The more analyses we perform, the more kinds of exotic hadrons we find’