People's Choice award winners: an almost total Eclipse for Twilight stars

Welcome to the People's Choice awards, where the public gets what the public wants and where those snooty Oscar voters are cordially invited to go boil their heads. The public wants Katy Perry? Then by God, the public shall have her! Photograph: Mario Anzuoni/Reuters

So let's say the people choose to see musician Kid Rock perform live onstage for their amusement. But then decide that it's a bit boring watching, like, just him and decide that they also want a big plume of fire, shooting up right beside him. Well then, that's fine, their choice. And there's nothing he can do about it Photograph: Christopher Polk/Getty Images

What the people like best of all, it transpires, is The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, which cleans up at the People's Choice awards. It wins 'favourite film', 'favourite drama' and 'favourite onscreen team' for Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson Photograph: Lester Cohen/WireImage

But the people also chose Queen Latifah to be their host, and Queen Latifah graciously accepted the gig. If she hadn't, the people may well have chosen to have her hung Photograph: Chris Pizzello/AP

They vote, in their millions, for Jennifer Aniston. Yes, they cry in one voice, they do want Jennifer Aniston at the ceremony. No, they cry, they do not want her onstage. At least not yet. Keep her in the wings, they say. Give her some water. Don't let her onstage Photograph: Mark Davis/Empics Entertainment

Now, say the people. Let her onstage! Have her get kissed by Adam Sandler. Now! Like that! And give Adam Sandler the award for 'favourite comedic star'. And give her nothing. That's right: nothing! Photograph: Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic

What next? the people wonder. Well, OK. How about getting Natalie Portman onstage with Ashton Kutcher? And now have them marry! Or fight each other! Now, say the people. Now! Photograph: Charley Gallay/Getty Images

Bring us Zac Efron (say the people). He is our 'favourite movie star under 25'. So give him an award that says precisely that. But we want it back as soon as he turns 26 Photograph: Kevin Winter/Getty Images

We want Johnny Depp (say the people). He's our 'favourite movie star over 45'. No wait, he's our 'favourite Hollywood pirate'. Actually, let's just say he's our 'favourite movie actor' and leave it at that. Favourite Movie Actor! Now give him that award Photograph: Kevin Winter/Getty Images

Is there time for one last award for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse? There is if we, the people, say that there is. Let's give this one to Kristen Stewart because she's our 'favourite movie actress'. And now let's make her eat it, while Katy Perry sings a song about monkeys. Now! The people have spoken! Now! Photograph: Cliff Lipson/Empics Entertainment