I come from a small, working-class town in the north of England. Since moving to a big city for university and, hopefully, work, I feel conscious of my class. People make fun of my accent, mimicking me and laughing. The jibing has been pretty constant, to the point where I’ve changed the way I speak. People make comments about my “chavvy” appearance as I have red hair, wear fake tan and a full face of makeup to pop to the shops. I always knew I would have to work harder to get to university but I thought that once I got in, the students would be on an even keel. Now I worry about how my class may impact the way I’m perceived in interviews and in the workplace. I’ve begun to assume people who went to grammar or private schools are cleverer than me and it makes me feel inferior. I try to remind myself that the type of school you go to doesn’t equate to ability, but I also worry that in many ways how you are perceived is what gets you through the door. I don’t know whether to change myself to be more like my new community, or whether I should be true to who I am.
Thank you for your heartfelt question, and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s easy in these situations to encourage people to be themselves, but it is also worth mentioning that you shouldn’t berate yourself for wanting to fit in, either. We are all a mixture of our past, present and future selves.
Having said that, you’re not choosing to be someone new by choice, and that is hard. I spoke to lots of people who had been through the same thing and no two of them had the same answer. But all had come out the other side. One confided that she found it easier to change herself to fit in; another spoke about weaponising what she felt others saw as a threat – the fact that she was different.
Stick to those who make you feel good about yourself. And use this as an opportunity to build friends you can be honest with.
Your anxiety about being judged for who you are is painful to listen to. I want to tell you not to worry, but we both know that’s not so easy. There is plenty of research to show that the jibing and judging you’re going through is common in the workplace and at university, and that perfectly able working-class students are blocked from opportunities at the expense of their middle-class peers. But you are right to remind yourself that you have worked just as hard to be who you are. I hope that by sticking at it, you might learn who is worth staying friends with, too.
One person had a great piece of advice: “Know that defiance, not deference, is the rational response to a system where the odds are stacked against you.”
He’s right. Impostor syndrome never goes away, but it does fade. It would be a shame if you made yourself smaller to fit in, in the meantime. For now, just hold your chip on your shoulder lightly enough that it will help to overcome your self-doubt; you got your grades, you’re doing well, and the young woman who wears a full makeup just to pop to the shops deserves to be in the big city just as much as anyone else.
• What do you think? Or have you got a question for Poppy and readers to consider? Post your responses below or email them to in.it.together@guardian.co.uk
