PEP AND THE PEG
In a development so disgusting that it has caused $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver to spend most of the day recreating the vomit scene from Team America, Pep Guardiola has delivered a major snub by refusing its overtures to stand on the touchline dressed as a giant poppy during Tuesday’s Big Cup tie between Manchester City and Barcelona. He just doesn’t get it, see, being foreign. $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver was going to rename him Pep the Poppy and it was going to be great, a feast for the eyes, but Guardiola stopped answering his phone after the first 37 calls. In fact, he may well have changed his number. The police knocked on $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver’s front door this morning, produced a restraining order and a court date is set for next week. It hasn’t been a good day. People are being ambivalent towards poppies!
But it’s this Guardiola chap who really takes the biscuit, coming over here, managing one of our teams. Actually, it was a bloody good job he suffered the shame of becoming the first ever manager to lose 4-0 to Barcelona two weeks ago. It took him down a peg or two, didn’t it, got him what he deserved for trying to make his team play the way he wanted them to play, showed him what can happen when you try to be too “clever” with your new-fangled “ideas”. If Guardiola has any clue whatsoever, it’ll be back to basics. None of your passing nonsense, W1lly Caballero. Look where it got Claudio Bravo.
No, the way forward is a no-nonsense 4-4-2, David Silva flinging in crosses from the Nicky Summerbee position out on the right, Ilkay Gündogan asked to perform the Jamie Pollock role, Sergio Agüero partnered by Niall Quinn up front. “HIT NIALL, STONESY,” $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver would shout if it was allowed anywhere near the technical area at the Etihad Stadium. “CAN WE NOT KNOCK IT, W1LLY?” But Guardiola probably won’t even give that a try. He’ll probably have City passing it around at the back, summing up the rank foolishness of a man who clearly learnt nothing from watching Tony Pulis’s West Brom at close hand on Saturday.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“No, no, no, I was dumb but I’m not so stupid that I would go and crap on the field. I find it very annoying that I have been associated with something bad like that” – an unnamed Go Ahead Eagles fan denies defecating in the centre circle after their 3-1 defeat to PEC Zwolle.
FIVER LETTERS
“Jack Mignall (yesterday’s Fiver letters) has reminded me of the fact that I was allegedly banned for life from Disneyland due to a bit of teenage tomfoolery. Apparently you are not allowed to exit your boat on the Pirates of Caribbean ride in order to frolic with the pirates. As this happened 35 years ago, I’ve wondered how they will recognise me if I turned up today. Do they keep a computerised age portrait of me in their ticket booths? Anyway, not sure why I am sharing this story with The Fiver, as Disney has nothing to do with West Ham, though these days both do seem to be Mickey Mouse operations” – Scott Henderson.
“In response to Jim Hearson’s missive about the curse of the Arsenal No9 shirt (yesterday’s letters), can I put forward the Chelsea No9 shirt as competition in this category? Since Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink left in 2004, just as the Russian cash arrived, the rogues gallery of No9s includes Mateja Kezman, Hernán Crespo, Khalid Boulahrouz, Steve Sidwell, Franco Di Santo and Falcao, who all lasted just one season in the shirt. Of course Fernando Torres hogged the curse for four years and took it more far seriously than all the others. Quite wisely Chelsea have left it vacant this season” – Kris Witherington.
“I can’t help but be a little suspicious of David Moyes’ admission that he spends his Saturday evenings in a dark room (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Why would he expose himself to the inevitable ridicule? Is it possible he’s deliberately tossing out Fiverbait in the hope of writing a whimsical Fiver letter about himself under an assumed name and winning a copy of Football Manager? Just a thought” – Morgan Campbell.
“Re: Manchester United’s new deal (yesterday’s Mattress and Pillow Partner of the Day). As a United fan, I welcome this particular commercial partner with open arms. Perhaps viewers of their next performance like the last one at Anfield can get a complimentary set for when they are inevitably bored into sleep by our lack of anything resembling exciting football. Our defence could have also used one set each for Chelsea’s first goal at Stamford Bridge, mind” – Diego García.
“I’d like to agree with Stephen Yoxall on Lord Ferg there (yesterday’s letters). My girlfriend’s dad was a journalist over in Ireland here who interviewed him five or six years ago. He soon after fell ill and died tragically from motor neurone disease, and Ferguson stays in touch with the family to this day. Supposedly a class act. Made me feel a bit silly for detesting him over stupid football for all those years” – MJ Cullen.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Scott Henderson, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers. It’s not out till 4 November so aren’t you the lucky one? We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
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BITS AND BOBS
Frank de Boer has been booted out of the San Siro after winning just seven of his 14 games in charge of Inter. “[We] would like to place on record [our] thanks to Frank and his coaching team for their work over the past months,” seethed a club statement.
Manchester United’s José Mourinho is in trouble with the FA again for uttering naughty words at a match official during the goalless draw with Burnley.
Spurs forward Harry Kane should have recovered from his ankle-knack in time for Sunday’s north London derby.
Miroslav Klose, the top scorer in World Cup history, has joined Germany’s coaching staff as a trainee having announced his retirement from playing. His first lesson from Jögi Lurrrrrvvvvvve: scratch and sniff.
Fun and games in South America dept: Bolivia have been stripped of the World Cup qualifying points they gained from a 2-0 win over Peru and 0-0 draw with Chile for fielding Nelson Cabrera, who – awkwardly – already played for Paraguay in 2007.
And Stoke boss Ailsa from Home and Away is feeling a tad funky despite their 3-1 win over the nosediving Swansea City. Mainly at Marko Arnautovic’s booking, his suspension-ensuring fifth of the season. “It was a fair tackle. I think the guys have spoken to Michael Oliver and I think he acknowledges that maybe he’s made a mistake,” he fumed. “That’s something that needs to be looked at - red cards can be overturned, why can’t yellows.”
STILL WANT MORE?
And to think Frankie DB could have been having a heart to heart with Romelu Lukaku instead of Ronald Koeman. Andy Hunter explains why a phone call from the Everton manager has helped the striker to his best start of the season.
Here’s David Squires on José Mourinho’s Partridge moment.
Jamie Jackson puts on his tin hat and argues it is time for Zlatan Ibrahimovic to be benched.
Pep Guardiola knows only the very best from Manchester City will beat Messi, Neymar and co, writes Daniel Taylor.
Step up, Olivier Giroud. The France striker, fresh from teaching Sunderland a lesson, reckons his turn will come – against contrite board game players Ludogorets.
Remember Anthony Modeste? Us neither. He couldn’t score at Blackeye Rovers but now can’t miss for Köln in the Bundesliga. Here’s more.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
