PROMOTION? THE CHERRIES ON TOP
Unless you’ve been asleep under a rock for the past 24 hours you may have noticed that Bournemouth – barring a Stade Olympique l’Emyrne-esque defeat at Charlton on Saturday – have been promoted to the Premier League for the first time ever. Yes, Plucky Little Bournemouth from down by Boscombe Pier will be rubbing shoulders with The Bank of Scudamore’s finest next season. The Fiver can’t wait. What an away trip that will be. A stroll along the golden sands, some Tin by the Winter Gardens before going to watch those red and black bespoke flyers waltz and whizz their way into the hearts of the nation at a rowdy Dean Court.
Six years ago it was a notion that seemed about as likely as Nigel Farage going on tour with a Romanian folk group. You see, the Cherries came this close to relegation from the Football League. They’d been docked 17 points but still managed to avoid what looked like certain doom. How? Howe, that’s how. Eddie Howe. The hottest hot young thing since, well, whoever Weird Uncle Fiver’s following on Social Facespace at the moment. And, putting its Captain Contrary hat on, The Fiver would argue it was probably a greater feat than effectively hauling Bournemouth into the Big Time last night.
Not that Bournemouth’s chairman would agree. “Incredible, I bloody love these boys,” yelped Jeff Mostyn, fuelled on god-knows-how-many jars of mood-enhancer while he leaped around the dressing-room like a disturbed 1970s gameshow host. But given that Mostyn remembers the bad old days so well, it’s little wonder he was so chuffed. “We’ve achieved the impossible,” he trilled. “I think we’ll survive. The way we play football we’ll enhance the Premier League and I think of any team that has been promoted in recent years, we have as much chance as any of staying up,” he continued, as members of the squad clapped and laughed awkwardly beside the giddy old chap who helps keep them in coin.
He’s probably right that they’re well suited to succeed in the top flight where other plucky little upstarts have failed. They’re Premier League-ready. What, with their mysterious billionaire Russian owner, Maxim Demin, and having previous when it comes to squeezing as much dosh as possible out of excited fans. Scudamore will welcome them with open arms. And while The Fiver doesn’t want to turn the fairytale that is being regaled in some of the media into a gory horror, this is modern football after all. Demin’s petrochemicals have helped keep Howe’s team motoring along to some extent. Not that the young manager isn’t also a bloody skilful driver.
But for now, let’s just hope he’s enjoyed the ride, because it’s bound to be bumpy in Big League. Howe could also do with Demin keeping his cards close to his chest and avoiding the Vincent Tan approach to Premier League ownership. As for The Fiver, well, we’ll just be happy to enjoy a go on the penny-slot machines and a grand old day out.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The bin man who wouldn’t take my bin this morning because it was in the wrong place you are a jobs worth [sic] and I hope you have a $hit day” – QPR’s Charlie Austin isn’t standing for any of your rubbish.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: the Daniel Sturridge-shaped hole in the Liverpool physio’s bed (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). First, I’m obliged to point out that it’s not a bed, but a couch or possibly something else, but definitely not a bed. Second, the fact that Daniel Sturridge is knacked really doesn’t count as news. Even in Bits and Bobs” – Adrian Zambardino.
“Craig Hills (yesterday’s Fiver letters) caused some research, and then inspired me to elaborate. He is correct, you can’t ‘bagsy’ shotgun, since you would actually ‘call shotgun’ in the long form, or simply shout ‘shotgun!’ in order to get the front passenger seat. The origin, of course, comes from the guy who ‘rode shotgun’ alongside the stagecoach driver. But ‘shotgun’ is limited to staking a claim on the front passenger seat, while ‘bagsy’ could be anything. I might also join the 1,057 other pedants and point out that current usage does not seem to respect the grand ole American tradition of the ‘shotgun wedding’, that being a wedding consented to (by the groom), after seeing the bride’s father’s shotgun about three inches from his eyes” – Dave Morgan (and no others).
“The term ‘tenterhooks’ (yesterday’s letters) derives from a centuries-old wooden frame (a tenter) which had bent nails hooked around the edge, upon which treated woollen cloth was hung to stop it from shrinking when drying. Allister McCool appeared surprised that The Fiver was both correct and informative about the spelling (and, presumably, meaning) of the word tenterhooks. Perhaps he should have guessed that The Fiver would be a renowned authority on such matters, accustomed as it is to being nailed down then hung up and left out to dry” – Chris Kilford.
“Bagsy, no more letters about riding shotgun in The Fiver. On tenterhooks until the next edition” – Stephen Hernández.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Stephen Hernández.
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BITS AND BOBS
Lokeren defender Gregory Mertens remains in hospital after suffering a cardiac arrest during his side’s reserves match against Genk on Monday night. “His condition is very critical,” said club spokesman Herman Van de Putte. “Gregory is in a medically induced coma, his heart function has been taken over by a machine. The fate of Gregory is in the hands of the hospital. We hope for a miracle.”
Presumptuous Guingamp striker Claudio Beauvue is waiting for you, yes you, Premier League clubs. A Beauvue Rendez-vous, peut-être? Peut-être? “The deal I had with the club president was that I would leave in the event of a beautiful season,” he cooed. “The season has been very beautiful, so it is sure that I will be playing my football elsewhere next season. It is true that I am very attracted to the Premier League.”
The Danish FA wants nothing to do with Barcelona setting up an academy in the country. “The plans conflict with the Danish regulations for the protection of children,” sniffed the organisation. “We must safeguard the development of talent in Danish football.”
Christian Benteke’s Mr 15% is trying to earn his corn after declaring that no clubs have shown any interest in the Aston Villa striker yet. “I think Villa are playing the best football in England right now,” yelped Eris Kismet.
Cheerleader 1-0 Bate Borisov captain.
CSKA Sofia have appointed Luboslav Penev as coach until the end of the season. “Penev is a prominent figure with undisputed prestige and professional qualities,” roared the club.
And Luton Town have suspended winger Shaun Whalley and striker Ricky Miller after the pair were arrested over an alleged assault on the club’s awards night. “An internal investigation at Kenilworth Road continues and Luton Town can place on record once again that any player guilty of misconduct will be disciplined appropriately,” read a club statement.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires on football and the general election, you say? Zing, zing, zing!
This week’s Gallery stars Juve’s Paul Pogba. Next: send us your Newcastle United manager John Carvers while you still can.
Goals of the week features a goalkeeper’s last-minute winner, a blind player with remarkable footwork, solo efforts from Brazil and Australia, and another Pirlo free-kick.
Lazy Premier League scouts, step right this way.
Brick-by-brick football? How about some Streets of Rage(ish) boxing?
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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