Name: Trampolines.
Is it a bird? Nope.
I’m guessing not a plane, either? You guess right.
Trampoline, by any chance? Yes, but there’s a formula to Pass notes; do it properly.
Sorry. Age? Well, Inuit have been launching each other into the air on walrus skins for ages, to celebrate the end of the spring whaling season. But the first modern trampoline was invented by a pair of American gymnasts, George Nissen and Larry Griswold, in 1936. Nissen would later demonstrate his invention in Central Park, New York, with a kangaroo named Victoria.
Appearance: These days, everywhere. It seems that pretty much every garden in Britain has one. We’ve reached peak trampoline. Look out of the train window into the nation’s back gardens …
I’m on the train right now, as it happens. And …?
Well, normally they’re everywhere. Not today, though. Oh. Where are you going?
At the moment, nowhere; we’ve been stuck here for ages. Hang on, here’s an announcement: we’re going to be held here for the foreseeable future due to … a trampoline caught in the overhead wires. Exactly! And who is to blame?
Not me, is it? Ciara! Every time there’s a storm, the nation’s trampolines cause havoc. Their large surface area acts like a sail or an untethered kite.
And they take off. Hence the empty gardens. And your delay. There is often a …
A bounce? OK, a bounce in rail delays during high winds because of trampolines on the line. Storm Ciara blew them on to the tracks in Kent, Sussex and Bedfordshire, as well as on to a Belfast roof.
Are trampolines the new “wrong kind of leaves” or “wrong kind of snow” on the track for train operators to justify delays? You could say that.
What is the solution? If you have a trampoline, put it away during gale-force winds, or remove the netting to reduce the sail area, or tether it to the ground; kits are available.
It doesn’t sound very hard at all. What is hard, bouncing on a lovely summer’s day, is imagining that the whole thing could become airborne.
Do say: “Tie it down!”
Don’t say: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Because it’s Gone With the Wind. And also because the kids never use it any more and it takes up the whole garden.
