JOSÉ: NEVER KNOWINGLY UNDERSOLD
One of the guiding principles employed by Elmer Wheeler, America’s greatest salesman, was that “you don’t sell the steak, you sell the sizzle”. Whether it is the tang in the cheese, the bubbles in the champagne, the crunch in the cracker or the pucker in the pickle, Elmer believed there was a “sizzle” hidden in everything you sell in life and that identifying it was crucial if you were to successfully market that product. His is apparently not a view shared by José Mourinho, who has been struggling to identify anything resembling a sizzle in the Manchester United side currently touring the USA! USA!! USA!!! and has been wondering aloud why any of their fans would pay actual money to come to see one of the world’s biggest football clubs go through their pre-season motions minus a dizzying array of big name players who are either: a) knacked; b) on holiday after the Ethics World Cup; and c) still just names on a shopping list he handed to his employers last March.
“The atmosphere is good, but if I was them I wouldn’t come,” he said, following United’s 4-1 defeat by Liverpool in Michigan on Saturday. “I wouldn’t spend my money to see these teams.” Yes, having apparently decided that in the absence of sizzle generated by a team comprised of Alexis Sánchez, Juan Mata, Ander Herrera and assorted youngsters, he’d sell American United fans a lengthy, incessant whining noise instead. “I would like to have two more players,” he tooted. “I think I am not going to get two. I think that it’s possible I will have one. I gave a list to my club of five names a few months ago and I wait to see if it’s possible to have one of these players. If it’s possible, it’s possible. If it’s not, it’s not. If it’s possible, it’s good. If not then we keep fighting and working and believing in the players that we have.”
Going on to give every indication that he doesn’t even know, let alone believe in several of the players gadding around America in United shirts, Mourinho announced his team would be “in trouble” when they kick off their Premier League campaign next week, suggesting it may struggle to reproduce the less-than-scintillating football for which the name Manchester United became a byword last season. “I just hope the boys on deserved holidays take care of themselves a little bit,” he said, before dropping a sledgehammer subtle hint he’d quite like them all to follow the lead of Marcus Rashford and Phil Jones by cutting their deserved breaks short and getting back to work.
Now in his third season at Manchester United, it has not gone unnoticed that José is at that stage in each of his managerial cycles where he traditionally talks himself into a boot towards the exit door and a lucrative pay-off. And while wondering aloud why loyal customers would bother paying actual money to gnaw on their company’s sizzle-free steak might be enough to get most employees the boot, he is believed to retain the full backing of Manchester United’s board for now. But having clearly gone rogue and in full don’t-give-one mode with the new season looming, the manager’s performances, if not those of his team, should make for extremely compelling viewing.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"You might think I exaggerate and sometimes I really do exaggerate. But the fact is that I suffer on the field. It's taken me time to accept your criticism, it's taken me time to look into the mirror and transform myself into a new man. But I am here, with a new face and an open heart" – there's nothing crass at all about Neymar responding to those who reckon he throws himself around the pitch like a toddler via an ad for razors.
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“So, Neymar finished sixth out of 288 in a Brazilian poker tournament (Friday’s Bits and Bobs)? Was his strategy to go all in on the flop?” – R Reisman.
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BITS AND BOBS
Mung-bean munching Forest Green Rovers have become the world’s first UN-certified carbon-neutral club, obviously.
Fulham will shell out up to £20m for Swansea’s Alfie Mawson.
Napoli foghorn Aurelio De Laurentiis is still chuntering on about Maurizio Sarri. “His genius is a bit monothematic,” he blathered. “I only ever saw him play one way.”
Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored a hat-trick for LA Galaxy inside 24 minutes in their 4-3 win over Orlando City but didn’t help us pad out this Bob or make it even the slightest bit funny by saying anything about it.
The Pope’s Newc O’Rangers have shredded defender Fábio Cardoso’s contract and sent him skittering out of the door marked Do One.
And Liverpool boss Jürgen Klopp may create bespoke training sessions for Daniel Sturridge in order to stop the headwear salesman exploding into a thousand bits. “I am completely open to individualising training," Klopp sighed. “Does he have to play 50-something games? No. But hopefully he will play a few really good ones.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Your summer is over: the Premier League previews are here. Jacob Steinberg kicks things off with Arsenal, while Ben Fisher tries to avoid any creek/paddle references in his Bournemouth piece.
Ben has also taken the time to do a League Two preview.
Ewan Murray chats to Leanne Ross, the Glasgow City midfielder who has banged in an absurd 250 goals for the club.
Bayern Munich have just signed Vancouver midfielder Alphonso Davies, so Eoin O'Callaghan wrote this on the 17-year-old, who was born in a Ghanaian refugee camp.
How will your Championship club do this season? Let us know.
A team in Gibraltar will pay players in cryptocurrency: is this the future or too volatile to be trusted?
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