Paul Merson has revealed the desperate moment he almost took his own life after spiralling into depression.
Former Arsenal great Merse, who won five major trophies in a glittering career with the club, has struggled with drink and gambling problems for years.
But the 51-year-old, who was capped 21 times by England, has now opened up about the darkest moment of his life which took place a year ago this week.
Writing exclusively in his Daily Star column , an emotional Merson said: “On Monday I’ll have been sober for a year. But this time last year, I wanted to kill myself.
“I couldn’t go on any more. I just couldn’t see a way out. I had the tablets in my hand.
"I didn’t take enough to do anything but I had them there. With vodka. It was scary.
“It was only because of the kids really, and my wife, and a little bit of consciousness, that I didn’t.
“Fear probably as well. I was scared to do it. When you’re in that place, you don’t see how it’s ever going to pass. But I have the tools now.
"If I get into a real down situation, I know it will pass.
“I don’t want to kill myself any more. I don’t have those thoughts. I’m not carrying the world on my shoulders. Walking around with guilt.
“I’m not beating myself up, drinking and gambling all the time and asking why I’m doing this to myself.
“It’s only now I know. I have an illness. I have a mental illness. I’ve accepted that now. Before, I used to beat myself up all the time.”
Last year, viewers watched Merson break down in tears on hit TV show Harry’s Heroes after admitting his gambling left him feeling “like a crack addict.”
But the former Aston Villa and Middlesbrough star insists his problems all stem for alcohol abuse – and claims he has never felt better after spending a year off the booze.
Merson said: “This is the best thing I’ve ever done. I was in bed on New Year’s Eve by 9.30. I went to an AA meeting, came home, watched The Sting and went to bed.
“If I have one piece of advice to give to people – talk. Nothing ever gets better if you don’t talk. Once you talk to people you start seeing the light.
"I ring people up and tell them if I don’t feel good. Before, I sat indoors, pulled the curtains, and I’d watch the phone ring.
"I would literally watch people ringing me trying to help me, but I wouldn’t take the calls. It’s the worst place to be, having that fear that it’s never going to get better. You have to talk."
If you are worried about someone or if you are finding it hard to cope, call the Samaritans free any time, from any phone, on 116 123 for 24/7 confidential support or you can visit their website at: www.samaritans.org
