‘DON’T YOU THINK IT’S FUNNY THAT NOTHING’S WHAT IT SEEMS?’
In this post-truth world full of alternative facts, The Fiver is beside itself with excitement at the prospect of this weekend’s FA Cup fourth-round action. Of the 736 teams who were accepted into the competition, just 32 remain, with non-league sides Lincoln City and Sutton United having earned themselves home ties against high-flying Championship opposition in the form of Brighton and Nasty Leeds, respectively.
To mark the occasion, the BBC’s Saturday lunchtime vehicle Football Focus plans to pitch up at Sincil Bank, where they will patronise Imps fans to within an inch of their lives, wax lyrical about the magic of the grand old competition and then leave without actually showing the game so they can get their cameras to Old Trafford for Manchester United’s now traditional slaughter of Plucky Little Wigan, who they currently lead 53-5 on aggregate over 18 matches.
Sutton’s match on Sunday is being televised by BT Sport, who will muddy their spats at Gander Green Lane in the hope of seeing Nasty Leeds reserves come a cropper. Meanwhile at The Den, Millwall’s players and supporters are likely to be buoyed by the good news that their Sarf Lahndan manor will not be the subject of a council land-grab and look a good bet to see off Watford U-12s at noon on Sunday, following the official unveiling of their bronze statue honouring Proper Journalism’s Barney Ronay, who recently usurped Terry Hurlock as a most unlikely Den cult hero.
Further north, Blackeye Rovers’ match against Blackpool will be the subject of a boycott, with beleaguered fans of both clubs planning to turn up and not watch from the Ewood Park concourse and car park in protest at the appallingly shoddy manner in which their clubs are being run. On a weekend when many teams will be keeping their powder dry for more important promotion and relegation battles ahead, there will be no end of empty seats at grounds around the country. Of course, in this post-truth world of alternative facts it doesn’t matter, because if we’ve learned one thing this week it’s that only the most blinkered and gullible idiot judges the size of a crowd by counting the number of people actually in it.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Batistuta is worth 10 of him. He is a traitor, you cannot get married to your friend’s wife after having gone out to dinner with them. What he did to Maxi López, you pay for in life” – Diego Maradona, paragon of virtue, aims both barrels at Mauro Icardi.
FIVER LETTERS
“As a long-term/suffering Middlesbrough fan, I’d like to point out to Mr Karanka that leaving 10-15 minutes early during a Premier League home defeat (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) is a long-standing tradition. Or a long-trudging-towards-the-pub one, anyway” – Andrew Tate.
“Oh, come on José. If you want to keep your unbeaten run then don’t just ignore penalties and goals. Have some dignity and do what the rest of us do. Close Championship Manager – or whatever they call it these days – without saving, open it up again and then rerun the game as many times as it takes to get the result you want” – Noble Francis.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Noble Francis.
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RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Wycombe’s Luke O’Nien takes various items that The Fiver couldn’t juggle if we had 12 limbs and grew up in a circus, and passes Guardian Towers’ keepie-uppie challenge with flying colours. And here he is talking about the Spurs FA Cup tie.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Robert Snodgrass, the Glasgow Garrincha, is just a cough for the doctor away from sealing a £10m move from Hull to West Ham.
José Mourinho was slow to jump on the alt-facts bandwagon, but when he did it was a doozy. “We did not lose,” he parped despite Fizzy Cup second-leg evidence to the contrary, albeit with an aggregate win overall.
Meanwhile, he’s told Anthony Martial if he pulls his socks up in the Cup against Plucky Wigan he won’t be dropped. “If Sunday he plays magnificent, he will play against Hull City in the next match. It’s simple,” he soothed.
Erm, a Napoli fans’ group is planning to blow a massive synchronised raspberry at Gonzalo Higuáin when he returns to the Stadio San Paolo on 2 April.
More good news for David Moyes. Sunderland defender Papy Djilobodji will serve a four-match ban after the FA found him guilty of violent conduct for introducing an arm to Darren Fletcher’s plate in the game against West Brom last week.
And Everton have done former player Jose Baxter a solid after offering him a one-year deal when his one-year ban for jazz salts use ends in June. “I’m speechless,” said Baxter. “Not many people get a second chance and here’s me with a third chance.” The 24-year-old will join the U-23s.
STILL WANT MORE?
Who knew Avram Grant could talk this much? Here he is telling Jonathan Wilson about his lesson in tiki-taka at Bob Paisley’s Liverpool, the time he told Didier Drogba he’d be getting no more long balls hoiked his way and his hopes to change the mentality in his Ghana team.
Andy Hunter joined Lincoln City for a day behind the scenes: on the training field, in misty 4am ticket queues and in the bogs. Lucky him.
Will Claudio Ranieri get it right in the Cup? Might free-scoring Newcastle be stopped by Oxford? That and eight more FA Cup things to look forward to this weekend.
Rommy Boco’s had an unorthodox route to the FA Cup fourth round, working nights in a bakery and training non-stop with Shanghai SIPG for starters.
Fifa and Donald Trump: can you imagine? Barry Glendenning can, and he thinks it would be a self-regarding match made in heaven.
This week’s Joy of Six recalls the time an Englishman became the champion of Africa. Yep, it’s half-a-dozen memorable Afcon moments.
Just like a rainbow, it sets him free, he just … can’t … get … enough of Milk Cup, croons James Riach of José’s first love.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
