THE ICEMEN COMETH-AGAIN
Break out the thunderclaps, crank up the Sigur Rós and/or Bjork, prepare yourself for the never tiresome challenge of finding new and interesting ways to describe how small the place is, and get ready for that dreamy blend of pat-on-the-head patronisation and lazy cultural stereotyping that may or may not involve Sigur Rós and/or Bjork: Iceland – a country so small that it’s not even the first result on a Google search despite being an actual country – are going to the World Cup! CLAP!
And they’ve done it in style. In Euro 2016 qualifying they were among the beneficiaries of the ever-increasing expansion of the final tournament, finishing second behind the Czech Republic in a group where the top three ended up qualifying automatically. This time the only system they have relied upon is their own, one that sees clubs, local authorities and the FA working together for the greater good rather than their own pockets.
Happily for those of us who enjoy seeing the egalitarian triumph over the egotistical, this football Valhalla, with its indoor pitch on every corner and Uefa-badged coaches sprouting from every rockface, will be gracing another international tournament following Monday night’s 2-0 win over Kosovo that means they top Group I. Gylfi Sigurdsson (whose first coaches in English football, it’s always worth remembering, tried to turn him into a centre-half because English football) settled nerves with the opener before Johann Berg Gudmundsson made the points safe, sparking scenes of Icelandic joy not witnessed since Gudmundur Benediktsson went viral 15 months ago.
Manager Heimur Hallgrimsson was almost lost for words and seemed to fill the awkward silence with one of those “find your adult film star name” formulas in which you list your first pet, a sportsperson who tested positive for cocaine and the full name of your favourite Cardiff City player: “This is really odd, I don’t know what to say,” said Hallgrimsson. “I mean … Pelé, Maradona, Aron Einar Gunnarsson.” So, basically, everyone is delighted, The Fiver (Nibbles Bosnich Kenneth Zohore, since you ask) included. And rightfully so. Quite apart from their let’s-build-a-4G-pitch-for-the-kids-rather-than-add-another-zero-to-the-chairman’s-paycheck outlook on the game, Iceland were one of the few entertaining elements of an otherwise pretty drab Euro 2016. And, given England are going to be there again, we’ll more than likely be in need of a similar pick-me-up in Russia.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“My players are so skilful and comfortable on the ball, but one of my biggest concerns is that sometimes they can be too elaborate. I keep telling them that we are not the Harlem Globetrotters and we are not here to do tricks and f@nny around” – England U-21 coach Adrian ‘Aidy’ Boothroyd there, sucking the joy out of football since 1989.
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Here’s David Squires on … England football 2049.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Gordon Strachan and genetics (yesterday’s Fiver). Why doesn’t wee Gordie select players from the Scotland rugby team if he’s worried about the size of the Scotland team? After all, these players are ranked No6 in the world and any one of them could close their eyes and blooter the ball 100 yards down the park better than Charlie Mulgrew can” – Marc Meldrum.
“If Jupp Heynckes’s dog Cando barked twice to give him permission to take on the big job at Bayern Munich (yesterday’s Quote of the Day), does that mean when it’s time for him to go, his canine chum will issue a solitary bark, as in Can-do-one? Just wondered” – Jason Steger.
“I’ve watched a couple of Club Brugge games on FreeSport (Freeview channel 95 – who knew it went that high?) and can tell you for a fact Van der Fiver (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) will sign for Liverpool, then Hamburg then Beskitas before a late renaissance with the Dutch national team proves the haters wrong. Mark my words” – Sam Easterbrook.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Marc Meldrum.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Sadio Mané’s hamstring showed wonderful timing as it twanged to the tune of six weeks on the sidelines just days before Liverpool’s humbling defeat to Manchester United.
Tim Cahill’s 87-year-old head gave Australia a flamin’ 3-2 extra-time, aggregate win over Syria in the Ethics World Cup play-off … to set up another Ethics World Cup play-off against a Concacaf team that – at the time of writing – could be USA! USA!! USA!!!
Chris Coleman has been riddling fiercely about whether he’ll stay on as Wales boss after their 1-0 defeat by Republic O’Ireland. “There’s a chance I can and a chance I won’t,” he wibbled. “I can’t give an answer right now … I’m thinking about the experience.”
Meanwhile, the Scottish FA will let that genetically-disadvantaged dust settle before deciding whether to launch Wee Gordon through the door marked Do One. “We’re not going to make any knee-jerk decisions … I don’t want there to be a stopwatch ticking on any decision,” blathered SFA chief suit Stewart Regan.
Kick It Out received more reports of racism, sexism and other forms of abuse in 2016-17 than any previous season in which numbers have been collected.
Howard Wilkinson reckons the chances of $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver Jr ever playing professional football are zilch thanks to Premier League clubs’ warped use of the youth academy system he developed. “What is needed is a serious reasoned review … to give these boys a morally deserved crack of the whip,” he roared.
After Bolivian FA bods spotted on Football Manager that Montpellier’s Ruben Aguilar supposedly had relatives there, the defender had to fend off their offer of a place in the national side by pointing out it was an error. “It’s something quite strange … I am French by my mother and Spanish by my father,” he parped.
Olivier Giroud’s scorpion kick for Arsenal against Crystal Palace has been shortlisted for Fifa’s goal of the year gong, which will be won by Baroka FC goalkeeper Oscarine Masuluke’s overhead kick, obviously.
The house of Zambia striker Alex Ng’onga’s mum came under attack following the player’s crucial miss in their 1-0 defeat by Nigeria on Saturday. “Unknown people in a white Toyota threw stones at her house and insulted her because her son failed to score for the national team,” read a police statement.
And Fabio Rochemback has been arrested on suspicion of c0ck-fighting after police seized 89 roosters and cash at a farm. Juarez Rochemback, the former Barcelona and Middlesbrough midfielder’s dad, insists his son wasn’t involved: “Fábio was with me at the farm in Soledade, but now he has returned to Porto Alegre.”
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
If Argentina are going to qualify for the World Cup, they’re going to need to stop doing absolutely everything wrong, reckons Jonathan Wilson.
Nick Ames was … HOOMPH … in Reykjavik as Ice … HOOMPH … land sealed … HOOMPH … HOOMPH … passage to their first World … HOOMPH … HOOMPH … HOOMPH … Cup, proving they are no one- … HOOMPH … HOOMPH … HOOMPH … HOOMPH … hit wonders.
“I’m a builder, I like to build things,” trumpets Hope Powell, not of her Lego obsession, but her new gig managing Brighton.
Dino Zoff’s 1,142 minutes without conceding for Italy is fine, but Emmerich Tarabocchia once went nine minutes shy of 20 full league matches without letting one in, as Craig McCracken details.
France are jiggered because they’ve only got about 400 world-class strikers and Olivier Giroud, write Adam White and Eric Devin.
Wales fans can sing all they like, but their team rarely looked like scoring against O’ Ireland, reports Stuart James.
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