CAP IN HAND
In all the fully justified brouhaha over Qatar hosting the 2022 World Cup, a nation too hot to play canasta in never mind football, and one that is using slave labour to build the infrastructure, Russia being home to the tournament four years earlier has got off relatively lightly. But, the idea of Mother Russia inviting the football world into her living room and serving everyone some wholesome borscht was made to look a tad loopy after it was revealed the country’s FA can’t afford to pay national coach Fabio Capello his salary.
Don Fabio’s remuneration is pretty hefty, with £6.8m due to drop into his bank account every year, and it seems the price is too steep for the RFU (the Russian Football Union, that is, not the Rugby Football Union – them paying Capello would be weird, although it would be a better use of any money they have than spending it on something silly like rugby), who have turned out their pockets, dug down the back of the sofa and tipped out their piggy bank and only turned up lint, an old bit of Blu-Tack and a crumpled picture of a shirtless Vladimir Putin astride a horse. “I can declare that the money to pay Capello is not there,” cha-chinged suit Sergei Stepashin. “Clearly it’s wrong to fail to pay the salary of your national team’s coach, but when they signed the contract they should really have thought about how to fund it. Today we’re still looking for a source of funding.”
The Fiver has a few suggestions about how to find the money with which to line Fabio’s pockets, ranging from a Kickstarter, to passing a hat around Russia (it’s a big country, they’re bound to have loads of spare cash lying around, right?), to telling him to take up er0tic dancing and collect his dough in a suspender belt, or getting him to invest in this can’t fail, sure-fire, madcap get rich quick plan, which before you say anything, let us assure you is absolutely not a pyramid scheme. Capello’s assistants, Christian Panucci and Massimo Neri, are refusing to travel with the team for their encounter against Austria because their palms have also not been crossed with the agreed upon silver, presumably leaving Capello to put out the cones, wash the kit and deal with his squad’s Nando’s order all on his own. It is, by anyone’s standard, a b@lls up of the first order.
Capello’s pay has been something of a touchy subject in Moscow, with nationalist politician Vladimir Zhirinovsky calling him a “thief” and “greedy” after Russia’s exit from the World Cup, and wondering if there was any way to persuade the Italian to sling his hook. “We need to look into his work and ask him to resign,” belched Zhirinovsky, who has some brass neck commenting on the morality of someone else given that he told an aide to r@pe a pregnant journalist who was asking him some probing questions earlier this year. “But he’s greedy, so of course he won’t. It’s pretty good to get [millions] for doing nothing.” Not anymore it isn’t, with Capello’s payslip blanker than the Fiver’s face while watching clever/deliberately obtuse time-thief film Synecdoche, New York. It won’t be long before poor Fabio is out on the street, in tattered strides and holey boots, panning for change from any kind-hearted soul that might take pity on him. After all, it’s not like Capello had an eye-wateringly well-paid job before getting the Russia gig, the proceeds from which he could fall back on if times get tough. What’s that? Oh.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“If we concede fewer than seven goals, I’m happy. Then we can say we’re better than Brazil” – Part-time Gibraltar goalkeeper and full-time fireman Jordan Perez looks on the bright side as his side prepare to face Germany in their Euro 2016 qualifier.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I enjoyed reading Karl-Heinz Rummenigge’s comments (Yesterday’s Quote of the Day) on Van Gaal, and realised what a nice ‘Vangaalise’/vandalise pun he had (presumably unintentionally) made. Of course, being a Liverpool fan, I’m just glad there’s no scope for similar name-based-japery with Rodgers …” – Matt Dony.
“Karl-Heinz Rummenigge on King Louis wanting to ‘Vangaalise’ Bayern Munich (yesterday’s Fiver). What’s his problem? Arjen Robben falling over to Chariots of Fire is fine in my book” – Luke Stockdale.
“Interesting to hear the news that Morocco have been disqualified from the 2015 Africa Cup of Nations by Caf, having refused to host the tournament due to fears over the spread of Ebola. Currently ravaging Africa, globally despised and liable to contaminate anyone it comes into contact with … the Confederation of African Football is the administrative body for African football” – Daniel Doody.
“Doctors and anatomists alike will be shocked to hear that the ferocity of the tackle on the superbly-named Gilles Yapi-Yapo [yesterday’s Fiver] was such that he injured his interior cruciate ligament, a structure previously unknown to them and me” – Dan Westacott, Specialist Registrar in Trauma & Orthopaedic Surgery (and Pedant).
“Good luck to Dave Moyes, taking over at Real Sociedad, having had no luck last year taking over from a real sociopath” – Ryan Macdonald.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Ryan Macdonald who wins a copy of Football Manager 2015, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got more copies to give away this month, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Sheffield Central MP Paul Bloomfield has called on Sheffield United to reconsider their decision to allow convicted r@pist Ched Evans to train with the club. While manager Nigel Clough says the convicted r@pist is a long way from a deal.
FC Rostov manager Igor Gamula, who defended criticism of his “we already have six black players, do you want me to get a seventh?” comment by saying “the British press just doesn’t understand our Russian humour”, has been banned for five matches for racism.
Shakhtar Donetsk’s Croatia midfielder Darijo Srna has bought 20 tonnes of tangerines to be distributed to children in Ukraine. “I grew up in Croatia so I also went through a period when I needed help. Donetsk has helped me a lot and this is just a small gift with which I want to pay them back,” he randomed.
Sources close enough to Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink to smell his aftershave say he is reportedly ready to take over at Burton Albion and show the lads how to hit 230km/h free-kicks.
Cristiano Ronaldo says he is ready to sue the pants off anyone who claims that he said bad words about Leo Messi. “This is absolutely false and I have assured my lawyer takes action to sue those responsible,” he Ally-McBealed.
Mike Ashley has rummaged around the back of the couch and found another £1m smackeroos to wire to Pope’s Newc O’Rangers. “During the autumn, the club has suffered from lower than expected match attendance which has exacerbated the financial condition of the business,” explained some suit.
Turns out Wayne Rooney is as funny as Nina Conti. “The ultimate [aim with England] is to win a trophy and that’s what we all want to do. That’s why we play football, to win. That’s the target and hopefully sometime soon we can achieve that,” he, as the kids say, lolled.
The president of the Confederation of African Football, Issa Hayatou, has said that postponing the Africa Cup of Nations over fears of the spread of Ebola would be like signing “our death warrant because if we postpone this event it will be very deadly for African football.” Hmm.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
How will David Moyes get on under a hot Spanish sun? Andy Brassell spends his tuppence worth.
STILL WANT MORE?
Has the term “Oi grandad” ever been a technically accurate thing to shout at a footballer? Find out the answer in this week’s Knowledge.
Football’s sacking offences: assault, drugs, dangerous driving – but not rape.
Marina Hyde is back: and football’s problem with black managers is in her sights.
Proper journalist David Conn has been wondering quite how Bury guaranteed 138% annual interest on a £1m loan.
GOALS. OF. THE. WEEEEEEEEKKKKK.
“There were times when I would go home and my family would say: ‘What are you doing there?’” José Riga talks to Daniel Taylor about his happy spell at Blackpool.
Tired of hearing arguments that have been aired before, Paul Wilson decided to take the news agenda in a different direction in this week’s blogpost: Sam Allardyce should have been offered the England job by now.
Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano are returning to West Ham, cheers Marcela Mora y Araujo. Though it’s probably worth pointing out they’re not returning for West Ham.
Which players were in the best XIs from around Europe this week? WhoScored know.
How much do you know about great saves? Test your knowledge in our quiz (and, yes, for contractual reasons that one from Gordon Banks against Pelé is in there).
Oh, and if it’s your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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