Age: As individuals in the wild, up to five years or so. As a species, a bit older.
I love dramatic understatement. It's so British. And vague enough that no pedant can pick holes in it.
That too. Appearance? You need to be told what pigeons look like?
It's the Pass notes way. Well then, they're birds …
I'm with you so far. …with a wingspan of a little more than a foot. Their plumage is mostly grey and black, blah blah. The Latin name is Columba livia, and they're sometimes known as rock doves. The young are "squabs". They mate for life!
Was that worth an exclamation mark? Yes! It's lovely! They're true romantics! They're as faithful as swans, only they've got wings!
But … Not now – I'm on a roll. They're the Kate and Wills of the bird world! We humans should bow down in admiration, except …
Yes? … that might leave our backs covered in runny white crap.
Ah yes, those famously loose bowels. In Somerset, Taunton railway station is suffering a plague of pigeons, just months after Network Rail spent £300,000 to evict them from a bridge. And in Oxford, they're causing a hilarious row in the ultra-posh north of the city.
By splattering the floppy-haired Jeremies who will one day inherit the country? If only. They have been decorating cars belonging to a blameless Swiss millionaire. Wine merchant Bernard Fontannaz got so sick of washing poop off his Maserati and Aston Martin that he fitted the tree above them with those plastic spikes usually found on public buildings. This has infuriated his neighbour Richard Dawkins.
The author and atheist? And bird lover. He describes them as "great national treasures".
Whereas plastic spikes … are "very unpleasant" and "very unsightly". They might even injure the pigeons. "If everyone had spikes on the trees," he warns, "it would be a disaster!"
And would it? It might, but they don't. Fontannaz himself tried alternative repellents such as artificial owls before finally sticking spikes on a single branch. As he puts it, "nobody and nothing has been hurt. The spikes are bendy, so they don't do any harm."
A bit like believing in God? Shhh!
Do say: "Coo!"
Don't say: "Poo!"
