Age: Seven.
Appearance: Sweet little blond kid. With a gun.
I love children … Go on, get it out of your system.
But I couldn't eat a whole one. Is this that evil dictator who runs Belarus? They do start young in the former Soviet Union. That's Alexander Lukashenko, oppressor of the press, rigger of elections and violator of human rights. Little Kolya is the president's third and youngest son …
Aw! Who is being groomed to take over when Daddy relinquishes power.
Did I say "Aw"? I meant "awful". The pair made an official visit to Venezuela last week. Lukashenko père, who's 57, noted that "in 20 to 25 years" the boy would be there to "take over the reins".
Mrs Lukashenko must be proud. Probably not. She and her husband have been separated since the 1990s, and she is now said to be living on a cattle farm. Kolya's mother is believed to be the president's former doctor, Irina Abelskaya. That affair's over too, assuming it ever began.
Eh? Lukashenko doesn't talk about his love life.
Yet he parades its result in public? He doesn't have any choice, poor dear. "If I am not at home," he once said, "he doesn't sleep or eat. He's attached to me like a tail. Hence I'm forced to take him on foreign visits."
I bet the Queen says the same about Philip. But carry on. During the 2010 elections, Alexander even took the boy to the polling station. Kolya reportedly told him: "You should vote for yourself."
And did he? Naturally. But in case there was any doubt about the outcome, at least seven rival candidates were arrested, and several were allegedly beaten up.
Perhaps they should have just asked Kolya to have a word. Speaking of which … that gun? He showed off his golden pistol when meeting Russia's Dmitry Medvedev almost three years ago. Kolya is said to carry it when he inspects the army alongside his dad. He wears a uniform, of course.
Of course. And even the generals have to salute him.
Because otherwise he'd shoot them? Don't be silly. That's what secret police are for.
Do say: "Vote Lukashenko."
Don't say: Anything else if you know what's good for you.
