Age: Timeless.
Appearance: Bobbing
Don't tell me. It's the government's latest wheeze. All under-25s have to curtsey to Iain Duncan Smith in order to qualify for benefits. No, it's not. Or at least, not yet.
So who is making this archaic form of acknowledging your social superiors newsworthy again? Give you three guesses.
Madonna? No.
Cheryl Cole? Fiona Bruce? It's Fiona Bruce, isn't it? No. It's the royal family.
Ah. It's obvious now you say it. What are they up to? The Queen has just approved an updated version of the edict entitled Order of Precedence of the Royal Family To Be Observed At Court
That sounds fascinating. Is it available as an e-book? I'm fed up with 50 Shades of Grey. Alas no. It is circulated in hard copy around those who need to know the latest tweaks to the insanely insane rules about who must curtsey to whom and when.
So what's new? Well, the big news is that Kate Middleton-as-was will have to curtsey to "blood princesses" Eugenie and Beatrice.
What?! But she's gonna be queen one day! And she's got the best hair. Unfortunately, neither counts for much against those born to the ermine. If it helps, she only has to do so when William's not there.
Sexist too! Who would have thought the Windsors were so reactionary? Still, at least she can behave normally when she's just hanging about, chilling in Buck House. Afraid not. Protocol applies in public and in private.
You're winding me up. Nope. She'll have to bend the knee to anyone born into "the firm", and to Camilla too. Wife of Queen's son beats wife of Queen's grandson, you see.
It's like Top Trumps. But with absurd posh people instead of battleships. Is there anyone she doesn't have to curtsey to? The corgis. Footmen. The Countess of Wessex. Possibly Fiona Bruce.
This is the thanks she gets for marrying a premature baldy? I know. Some people have it harder than we know.
Do say: "Hang on … left foot back … I can do this … down I go! Gawd bless ya, ma'am."
Don't say: "While you're down there, love ..."
