Age: Unborn.
Appearance: Invisible.
The rapper turned director? Or that thing with the economy? The economy, stupid.
I'm literally on the edge of my seat with excitement. First we have to explain about Plan A …
Ow! What's up?
I just fell off it. Plan A is the government's current policy of cuts, cuts and more cuts, as set out by George Osborne in 2010. Faced with a country on "the brink of bankruptcy"–
Or so he said … or so he said, the chancellor announced plans to slash £81bn from government spending, with the targets including welfare, education and social housing. It would be a "hard road to follow", he admitted, but there was no alternative.
Because? Because there just wasn't, you frightful little oik. And that's been the line for the last two years, despite a double-dip recession.
The chancellor's not for turning? If it's not hurting, it's not working? No pain, no gain etc? Precisely. But now one of Osborne's staunchest allies has told him to look for a plan B.
You'd think Andy Coulson would keep a low profile. Not THAT staunch ally – the International Monetary Fund. This week's annual report on the UK urged the chancellor to reduce VAT and increase public spending rather than relying on the private sector for growth. As IMF boss Christine Lagarde pointed out: "The economic recovery in the UK has not yet taken hold and uncertainties abound."
I wish I could travel the world stating the obvious and "partying" with … That was the last IMF boss!
Oops! Lagarde's colleagues, meanwhile, warned that the recession could be "more protracted than previously anticipated".
Won't Osborne just ignore this advice, like he does everything else? He may not be able to. The IMF is so rich and powerful that developing countries have turned their whole economies upside-down to keep it onside.
But Britain isn't a developing country! Give it time.
Do say: "I have a cunning plan …"
Don't say: "… let's take our trust funds and move to Switzerland."
