Age: Uncertain, but at least 49 when he died; about 2,032 had he lived.
Appearance: At the London O2 arena come September, before embarking on a nationwide tour.
What? He has risen from the dead? He's not going to start murdering firstborns from Docklands to Durham, is he? Because that's really going to kill the post-Olympics buzz. No. You're thinking of Herod the Great.
Who are you talking about then? Herod Antipas, who was responsible for the execution of John the Baptist and Jesus of Nazareth.
Jesus of Nazareth being … That Jesus, yes.
Just wanted to be clear. So, still a bad guy and still bad news for London and the regions, no? It won't be the real King Herod. It will be Chris Moyles, who has been given the role by Andrew Lloyd Webber in the forthcoming 40th anniversary production of Jesus Christ Superstar.
That is substantially worse news. There's more. Mel C is playing Mary Magdalene and Jesus is going to be cast with the help of an ITV talent show.
Oh dear God. I don't think he's listening.
So the bad boy of Radio 1 gets to play one of history's greatest villains. Do you think he will be modernising the role, delicately infusing it with his own brand of sexism and homophobia that has seen him censured by Ofcom and embraced by the great British public? I suspect not. Reputation alone will probably have to suffice.
Is it a major part? In the musical, obviously. I realise he had quite a role in the real thing. If there was a real thing, if you know what I mean. He appears in the second act and has one big number – the ragtime Try It and See, which contains the lyrics: "Prove to me that you're divine/Turn my water into wine."
Will he be missing any of his Radio 1 breakfast shows? Possibly, though a BBC spokesman said that he has broadcast from non-London studios before and could easily do so again.
So there is no good news in this anywhere? Not really, sorry.
Do say: "Goodbye Britain, I am emigrating."
Don't say: "£65 a ticket? What a bargain! What do you mean, I pay them?"
