Origami? Don't be silly.
Orgasm? Wash your mouth out.
Orangutan? Getting closer.
Oh, I give up. Sorry, I'm not allowed to say what it is.
Why not? Nice says so.
Who are they? The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence.
And they're nice? Very. They don't think people who are, let's say, a little larger than the norm – you know, a bit bulky; blessed with a touch more avoirdupois than average – should be called this word.
What word? The word I can't mention.
I'm not sure I follow you. Nice think that people who are a bit fleshy, meaty, tubby, chubby, chunky, pudgy, full-faced, rounded, roly-poly, expansive, burly, big-boned, beefy, baggy, king-sized, overlarge, amplitudinous, capacious, voluminous, mountainous, extensive, Falstaffian, Brobdingnagian, pot-bellied, gargantuan, elephantine, whale-like, plump as a partridge, need to have the news broken to them gently.
That's nice. "It might be better to refer to a healthier weight rather than o******," says Nice in its new draft guidelines to doctors.
What's the report called? "Obesity: Working with Local Communities."
OBESITY!! That's the word! [bells ring, klaxons sound, traumatised fat people throw themselves off very tall buildings].
So Nice are not really nice at all! OK, OK, you have a point. But the guidelines are aimed at health professionals, not the porkers who fill up surgeries, day in day out.
How is obesity defined? If your body mass index (BMI) is more than 30, you're obese.
How do you work that out? By dividing your weight in kilograms by the square of your height in metres.
Eh? That's most people's reaction, which is why the hordes of chronically obese people in Britain – the fattest nation in Europe – are unaware of the fact and carry on, barely able to reach the TV remote.
Then banning the word is surely a bad idea. Even the National Obesity Forum thinks that. "This is extremely patronising," says a spokesman. "They should be talking to people in an adult fashion."
What do contributors to the National Obesity Forum do? Chew the fat, I guess.
