Age: 64.
Appearance: Rejected Lucien Freud self-portrait.
Position: Current manager of West Bromwich Albion.
You'll have to help me out here – I don't know anything about football. The team with the most goals wins, and you're not allowed to use your hands.
Don't patronise me. I know the rules; I just don't keep up with the news. Have West Brom won the FA Cup or something? No, but Hodgson has recently been announced as the FA's sole candidate to become the next England manager.
Well, that is a surprise. Because you, like everyone else, thought Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp was the favourite candidate?
No, it's because I have never, ever heard of Roy Hodgson. He's managed Blackburn, Fulham and Liverpool, the latter for just 191 days. He's generally considered a mid-table team manager, and that's where West Brom are right now.
So why does the FA want him? Hodgson has extensive international experience, managing Serie A clubs, Swedish, Danish and Norwegian teams and the Swiss and Finnish national sides. He even had a stint working in the Emirates.
He managed Arsenal? No, the actual Emirates – he managed the UAE senior and Olympic teams.
Sounds as if he knows his way round. He's also considerably cheaper than Redknapp, whose release from Spurs would have cost the FA a packet.
Why do England need a new manager anyway? What happened to whatshisname? Fabio Capello resigned in February after a dispute with the FA over the sacking of John Terry as captain ahead of Terry's upcoming trial for racial abuse.
That's funny, because whenever I feel out of my depth in a football discussion I just say, "I blame John Terry", and everyone else usually nods. You could probably stick with that.
Quick! Tell me something that will make me like Hodgson. He speaks several languages fluently, including Italian, Swedish, Norwegian and German.
Do say: "A wise choice – I've fancied Roy Hodgson for the England post ever since he first came to my attention …"
Don't say: "… the day before yesterday."
