Age: 51
Appearance: car salesman after a lost weekend in Vegas.
Occupation: actor, screenwriter, director...
Oh, yeah. I know who you mean … journalist, activist, humanitarian …
He gets around, doesn't he?... Haitian ambassador-at-large, scourge of the colonialist British ...
I don't recall hearing about those last two. It was in his role as the former – the Haitian president appointed him a few weeks ago – that Penn met Argentinian president Cristina Kirchner, and afterwards made a statement about the "Malvinas Islands of Argentina".
The where now? He means the Falklands.
Uh-oh. What did he say? He urged Britain to join UN talks on the future of the islands, saying the world "is not going to tolerate any kind of ludicrous and archaic commitment to colonialist ideology".
Who's colonising? Weren't the Falklands originally empty? Yes, but ownership has been disputed, with varying levels of enthusiasm, for centuries.
But Britain won the war. Surely that settles it. Not for Argentina. The Falklands is technically a self-governing overseas territory, and Britain's refusal to enter negotiations as long as the majority of its population (3,140) wishes to remain British.
Sorry, but I don't understand what any of this has to do with Haiti. No one does. After a visit to Uruguay, Penn went on to criticise Prince William's current six-week deployment to the Falklands.
Isn't William, like, a helicopter rescue pilot? Yes, but a big destroyer is going with him, which Argentina considers a deliberate military provocation, coming as it does on the 30th anniversary of the war.
And Penn? "There are many places to deploy the prince," he said. "It's not necessary, when the deployment of a prince is generally accompanied by warships, to send them into the seas of such shared blood."
Is English his first language? Apparently.
Do say: "Penn doesn't understand the situation. The Falklands will remain British for as long as Port Stanley remains twinned with Whitby."
Don't say: "Don't worry, it will all be over in six weeks."
