Age: 78.
Appearance: Ambulant Madame Tussaud model with terrible picture in the attic.
I know the fella. Legendary fashion designer. Creative director of Chanel, Fendi and his own label. And yet he still sports the dry grey ponytail of a weekend pub rocker with limited self-awareness and/or access to keenly reflective surfaces. Why is this? Well, who knows what motivates these kinds of men? But there must be even fewer people willing to speak the truth to internationally renowned fashion designers than there are those willing to hold a mirror up to all the Sad Daves in the world.
Why is he in the news then? Not beneficently scalped in an otherwise horrifying rollercoaster accident, I suppose? No. He's been shooting his mouth off. Again.
What's he been saying? What hasn't he been saying? As guest editor for the Paris edition of the free newspaper Metro he managed to call Adele "a little too fat", Russian men ugly, the Greeks corrupt, condemn the Italians for their various "disgusting habits" ...
Pass the smelling salts, please. I haven't finished yet. He asked if Lana Del Rey is "a construct with all her implants", dismissed the UK monarchy as "totally unnecessary but pleasant" and characterised our own dear monarch as looking like her grandmother, albeit "a more smiley version".
Hmm. I won't hear a word said against Adele – I've been agitating for the return of the side bun for years. As for the rest, well, I do hate to say it, but … But they all have the ring of universally recognised and essentially inoffensive truth about them?
I haven't met all Russian men, but yeah, pretty much. Are you saying that Lagerfeld's comments are actually carefully pitched to elicit nothing more than a day's manufactured indignation, designed to fade with the coming dawn and the issue of a new Metro?
I think I might just be, yes. Such cynicism in one so young. I weep for you, son, I do. I really do.
Do say: "Taking a pop at Liz II is so this season."
Don't say: "For God's sake, man, get your hair cut."
