Age: 12.
Appearance: Fit for a queen.
There's something wrong with your keyboard. You clearly meant to type a-l-o-a-d-o-f-o-l-d-c-r-a-p and it came out as f-i-t-f-o-r-a-q-u-e-e-n. Shall I see if I can fix it for you? Hands off, chummy. I meant every word of it.
We are talking about ITV's daytime chat show, aren't we? I certainly am.
The one fronted by Carol Vorderman, Lynda Bellingham and some refugees from Coronation Street? Don't forget Jenny Eclair and Janet Street Porter.
The one with all the nudge-nudging about sex? The one that's 50% chat show, 50% front row at the Chippendales? The one Karl Pilkington called "flumpf telly"? Yes, yes, yes, and, to answer your next question, yes – the one whose only moment of excitement came in 2008, when guest Joan Rivers called Russell Crowe a "fucking shit".
Does anyone still watch this rubbish? Our beloved monarch, for a start.
That would explain your opening remark. But is it true? It could be. According to presenter Carol McGiffin.
Chris Evans's ex? That's the one. According to her: "I have been told she watches it and that the royal household tunes in."
That seems almost as unlikely as it is vague. When I imagine the Queen in front of the TV, it's showing traditional Zulu dances to remind her of her holidays. They're not really holidays. More to the point, previous reports suggest the Queen enjoys a wide range of undemanding entertainment, including The X Factor, Midsomer Murders and Kirsty's Home Videos. As McGiffin puts it: "She's totally normal."
Apart from having her face on our stamps. But do we have to take McGiffin's word for all this? Yes and no. One newspaper quotes a "palace source" as saying, "The Queen is aware of the show and has seen it. A lot of people would be surprised at what is watched by members of the royal household."
That's the "yes" bit. And the "no"? That newspaper is the Sun.
Do say: "God save the Queen."
Don't say: "God help the Queen."
