Age: 891-ish.
Appearance: The church militant.
Are we talking about the Christian military order founded at the time of the Crusades to protect pilgrims on their way to Jerusalem? The one with castles throughout western Europe, the Mediterranean and the Holy Land? The one that the French king Philip the Fair did his best to destroy, ably assisted by Pope Clement V? Are you trying to put me out of a job?
It's my specialist subject! I can also reveal that the Templars survived the onslaught of 1307-12 and have spent seven centuries as guardians of a secret that, if revealed, would shake Christianity to its foundations. Only if you're the sort of idiot who believes every crackpot conspiracy theory . . .
Which, of course, I am. And thinks The Da Vinci Code is a historical document . . .
Which, of course, I do. And yet there is a grain of truth in what you say. A group calling itself the Knights Templar is indeed alive, kicking and waging a deadly war against its enemies . . .
Aha! In the Mexican state of Michoacan. But it specialises in drug-dealing, and its enemies are rival gangs and police. The Mexican Templars are also known for executing suspected thieves, rapists and kidnappers.
That won't do the brand any good. Is it just the Templar name that the crooks like? Police have seized hooded tunics, crosses, metal helmets and rule books calling for gentlemanly behaviour . . .
How sweet. As well as the murder of informants and their families.
Or maybe not. One might also describe these Templars as a tad hypocritical, since they're forbidden to take drugs yet run a huge crystal meth operation.
How does this play with the locals? Surprisingly well, according to Al Jazeera. In the cartel's stronghold of Apatzingan, they're more bothered by the 1,800 police and soldiers trying to catch their leader. He's a former schoolmaster called Servando Gomez.
Everyone respects a teacher. Especially if he can have you rubbed out.
Do say: "Let us pray."
Don't say: "Let us slay."
Not to be confused with: Simon Templar, Shirley Temple, the Knights who say Ni.
