Age: 76, if you ignore that death business.
Appearance: "Suggestive and vulgar, tinged with the kind of animalism that should be confined to bordellos," according to New York's Daily News.
I knew it! He's alive, that grave in Graceland is empty and the King of Rock'n'Roll is working as a short-order cook in Des Moines. He's not.
As a campaign manager for the Lib Dems? That neither.
Let me have one last go. A guy in the chippy swears he's Elvis. He's a liar. Elvis is as dead as he's ever been.
Interesting choice of words. If he hasn't resurfaced, why are we talking about him? Because he's no longer an American icon.
Says who? Millions of sexually active Americans.
You've spoken to every one of them? No, but I have seen a report from the Social Security Administration, which tracks the names they give their babies. For the first time since 1954, Elvis isn't in the top 1,000.
He must be devastated. He's dead, remember. But if he wasn't . . .
Aha! He might console himself with the thought that "Presley" is still there in 274th place.
Knowing those Americans, it's probably a girl's name. What are they calling their kids? For boys the top five are Jacob, Ethan, Michael, Jayden, William and Binladen; for girls, Isabella, Sophia, Emma, Olivia, Ava and Middleton.
I make that six of each but only a genius could point out the fakes. Are there any interesting up-and-comers? By "interesting" do you mean "pretentious and/or aspirational, in a way that panders to European preconceptions"?
Mais naturellement. Then for girls I give you Nevaeh, at number 25. That's Heaven spelled backwards, of course.
Of course. Did "Elvis" mean anything? "All wise", if you're an ancient Scandinavian.
Which øf cøurse I åm. And the hot new boys' names? Armani at 488, and Bentley at 101. They mean something too.
Do tell. "My parents are idiots."
Do say: "Elvis has left the birth certificate."
Don't say: "That's a blight, Mama."
