Age: 51.
Appearance: A crumpled Morrissey.
Is it Morrissey? Yep.
What's he done now? He's moved into a new house and he is having trouble sleeping.
Why? Apparently there's a light that never goes out.
Very funny. What's he really done? Got into a bit of a tiff with the prime minister. After Johnny Marr tweeted: "David Cameron, stop saying that you like the Smiths, no you don't. I forbid you to like it," Morrissey was asked on Radio 4's Front Row if he echoed his former bandmate's sentiment. His response was even stronger: "David Cameron is a hunter and he kills stag and so forth and that's everything the Smiths were against."
Sounds to me like pretty standard Morrissey. It would be more of a story if for once in his life he wasn't engaged in a feud with the prime minister. What's he doing that's new? He's playing Glastonbury.
He did that in 1984. I said new. Well he has written a 660-page autobiography.
Bingo. Where can I buy it? You can't. He is still looking for a publisher, although ideally he wants it to be released as a Penguin Classic.
A Classic? A classic.
As in a book that has stood the test of time? Traditionally, yes.
Bit arrogant, no? A bit arrogant, yes, but he's also worried that no one will read it. He told Radio 4, "I just wonder if 660 pages are too much for people to bear. And then I sit down and think, 'Well, are six pages too much for people to bear?' . . . I'm really not that interesting so I don't know why I've written that much."
So he has managed to be ludicrously arrogant, painfully self-deprecating, politically inflammatory and just plain baffling in the space of one week? Yep.
Classic Morrissey. Don't you mean Penguin Classic Morrissey?
Do say: "For once in his life, let him get what he wants."
Don't say: "I am human and I need to be published."
