Age: 60 or so.
Appearance: Nervous.
My favourite Canadian folk-rock group! This must be something to do with last Friday's cover story. Must it?
Of course it must. First G2's writers talk about the songs that get their tears flowing, then readers chip with their stories, and finally a consensus emerges that nothing sets off the waterworks like the 1990s hit Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm. How does it go again? Ah yes: "Mmm mmm mmm mmm." You're thinking Crash Test Dummies with a capital C, T and D. We're talking about the mannequins that are strapped into cars and driven into walls.
Them? Why are they are in the news? Childhood obesity. American safety campaigners are particularly worried that as kids get fatter, the mini-dummies used to test child seats become less and less relevant. There are similar fears about the adult versions.
Couldn't you just shove a few sacks of potatoes up their jumpers? It's not quite that simple. Dummies have come a long way since "Sierra Sam", which the US air force used to test its ejection seats in the 50s. They're now full of electronic kit, plus their bodies are carefully designed to flail around in the same way as a flesh-and-blood human.
This might sound tasteless . . . That doesn't usually stop you.
. . . but couldn't you use corpses instead? Wouldn't they give more realistic results? It's been tried – but no two dead bodies react in the same way. Then there's the fact that by nature they're already damaged.
Animals, then? Live pigs were used for a while. That didn't go down well with animal welfare groups.
I can only see one quick and easy solution to the problem. Stop driving children everywhere so they lose a bit of weight?
Actually I was thinking of tying helium balloons to them so they float. The sad thing is, that's actually much more achievable.
Do say: "I'm just off to Weight Watchers . . ."
Don't say: ". . . So can I borrow the car?"
