Age: 20, but looks older.
Appearance: Never without its hat, a Louise Brooks bob and a wrist-mounted pin cushion.
I vaguely recall this BBC drama . . . two tense sisters and a dressmaking business? They'd grip the furniture and well-up if their seamstress bought the wrong-coloured ribbon? That's the one. It was set in the roaringly fashionable 1920s. Stella Gonet and Louise Lombard played Beatrice and Evangeline, the highly emotional Eliott sisters. They decided to become famous fashion designers and take themselves rather too seriously while having very neat hair.
And why are we talking about them now? According to an interview in the New York Times, former US president George Bush and his wife Laura are big fans. Mrs Bush confessed to spending snowy days indoors watching every episode on DVD, presumably with George stood on a stool in a drop-waisted flapper dress while she pinned the hem.
Have they seen the French and Saunders parody? The House of Idiot? They don't mention it, but one can't help thinking George should.
What do two Texas-dwelling Yankee Doodles see in an English period drama set in a silk-strewn cutting room and focused on the hunt for the right trim for Lady Carshalton's evening cape? The mind boggles. Imagine them agog as Evangeline breaks convention by asking Daniel to marry her! Hope George avoided pretzels during that episode.
Could George be persuaded to try another period drama? Maybe Upstairs Downstairs? The remake? He wouldn't like all the Nazis. But Downton Abbey might be his thing. He could have a cameo in the new series! Mr Bates opens the tradesman's entrance to see Bushworth, the new under-butler, with a four-pack of Bud and his fishing rod.
Any chance of a House of Elliot remake in light of its newly raised profile? A sanction by the House of Bush is more likely to ensure it never sees the light of day again.
Do say: "Fetch the brandy alexanders, Laura. Bea just flashed her ankle at Jack in a way that said, 'Hop on, cowboy.'"
Don't say: "Sorry, George, that low waist does nothing for your figure."
