Age: 3,500, give or take.
Appearance: Vibrant! Charming! Safe as houses! London, New York and Glasgow houses!
Eh? What? I thought Kabul was in Afghanistan. It is!
War-torn Afghanistan? Fought over for centuries by various empires, thanks to its valuable position along the trade routes of south and central Asia and now occupied by us and the US military in a very warlike situation? The very same. But Mark Sedwill assures us that the children in its capital are probably safer than children in any of the above-mentioned western cities. So stop being such a worrywart!
Let me guess – he's the head of the Kabul province tourist board and he's got (if you will forgive the unfortunate phrase in the context) targets to hit if he wants his annual bonus? Au contraire, au contraire. He is Britain's former ambassador to the country and Nato's senior civilian representative in Afghanistan.
Then I don't understand. He's been there? Yes.
But I've seen reports that a quarter of Afghan children die before the age of five. That 1,000 were killed last year by the conflict and thousands more from the disease and malnutrition fallout. Even gang warfare on the housing estates can't compete with those numbers, surely, let alone a little happyslapping? He was speaking on CBBC Newsround and said that there were very few bombs in Kabul and other big cities in Afghanistan. He later clarified his comments, saying he was trying to explain to UK children how uneven the violence across the country is and that, once security is improved in places, the main threats to children come from poverty.
Which is nothing to do with war? That's a question for another time and possibly a slightly larger slot, I think.
Do say: "Let's all move to Baghdad! It must be like the Cotswolds there!"
Don't say: "I miss John Craven."
