Age: First sighted about 600 years ago in Livonia (present-day Estonia and northern Latvia, fact fans) but only became popular here with the Victorians about 160 years ago.
Appearance: Coniferous. Christmassy.
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches! But isn't mid-November a little early for us to be getting excited about them? They're the one thing you can't buy in advance. Those needles stay put for no man. Well, you may have difficulty buying them at all this year.
Whatwhatwhat?! Have the Tories banned Christmas? That's an austerity measure too far! Why even in the war, we managed to paint one of the children green and festoon him with bits of wool and candles and – uh – gravy browning. No, it's nothing to do with cuts. According to the Christmas Tree Growers Association, there's a shortage of the bestselling Nordmann fir: a 5m shortfall for Europe generally, 800,000 for Britain specifically.
Egads! What happened? Bark-munching beetles? Fir-y monsters? Illegal Yule-logging? Frost-damage during last year's harsh winter has reduced overall numbers, and Britain in particular will suffer because the strong euro means that most growers are exporting all they can to the continent.
But this will ruin Christmas! Where will we put the presents? What will reduce us to hot tears and incoherent rage if there are no fairy lights to sort out? How will we marry the pagan traditions of the season with ancient Christian beliefs in one handy yet decorative symbol? You'll either have to be quick off the mark and fully loaded with anti-needle-drop spray and get one before supplies run out, or be prepared to pay up to £45 for a 6ft tree.
Hmm, I'll have to ask the kids whether they'd prefer a tree or presents. You do that. And have a very merry Christmas.
Do say: "Don't worry, kids. I know a little place called Trafalgar Square where there's at least one tree to spare."
Don't say: "I'll make my own. Some green pipe cleaners, a spray of pine-fresh Toilet Duck and no one'll be any the wiser."
