Age: 22.
Appearance: Botched clone of Craig David.
Who he? No one knows for sure but rumours abound among the Twitterati. Some say he's a dancer, some a rapper, others a displaced applicant for the job of Argos Santa. One viewer claims he used to work in the north London branch of cheese shop La Fromagerie.
That told me almost nothing. Why are we discussing him at all? Because he's an enigma wrapped in a mystery and beamed into our living rooms every night for the next three weeks on ITV's schadentainment juggernightmare I'm a Celebrity. . . Get Me Out of Here! A contestant, in other, slightly less made-up words.
And he's what sort of celebrity exactly? A rapper and pop star, he says.
Oh, wait, I know him! Really?
He had a number 5 hit with the song Candy, rapping: "Girl, you look familiar, where do I know you from? Have you been to visit me at aggrosantos.com?" Indeed, the first rap song ever about recognising a web address.
So why is he out in the jungle? Scouting for more HTML-hungry honeyz? In his own words: "I am single but I'm not looking to go into the jungle to fall in love." Which is probably wise, considering this year's female contestants include escaped animatronic waxwork Britt Ekland, shrieking poo prodder Gillian McKeith and Playboy model Kayla Collins, a staggeringly vapid non-entity shipped in specially to make Santos look world famous by comparison.
Something tells me you don't like the show. I don't mind it, really. I just think it ought to be honest and call itself I Am Willing to Eat Any Other Living Being in Order to Remain or in the Case of Aggro Santos Become a Celebrity.
It's not exactly catchy. The truth never is.
Do say: "Boy, you look familiar, where do I know you from?"
Don't say: "Did I see your profile on Highbury-based-cheesemongers.com?"
