Age: Uncertain.
Appearance: Silver and circular. Or invisible, if you buy it as MP3s.
You appear to be describing an album. That appears to be a picture of Michael Jackson. Is this some cash-in collection of greatest hits? Much bigger news! It's a new album from the King of Pop! It could be a second Thriller!!! I think there's something wrong with my keyboard! Every time I hit the full stop it types an exclamation mark! It's infuriating! It looks as if I've swallowed the hype. No, hang on. It's stopped.
And not a moment too soon. But I could have sworn that Jackson was dead. You can't shut down a whole industry overnight, you know. As Sony puts it, these are "newly completed" recordings from Jackson and "handpicked" collaborators. Some songs he "created"; others he simply "had a desire to bring to fruition".
I'd forgotten it was International BS Day. What's the album like? Who knows? It's not out until December.
Yet we're already talking about it. That's because you can now hear one of the tracks at michaeljackson.com.
Really? Possibly. It goes online today – but Sony can't say precisely when. All that's certain is that Breaking News was recorded in 2007 and recently "brought to completion".
I love that phrase. It sounds like an architect signing off on a new shopping mall. Who else had a hand in the album? Again, Sony's not saying, though Jacko had been working with Akon, RedOne and Will.i.am – who previously said it would be "disrespectful" to release the unfinished material. And don't ask how many tracks there are, or what the rest are called. That's secret too.
Is there anything we are allowed to know? The cover shows two cherubs placing a crown on Jackson's head, as well as moments in his career. According to the painter, Jackson's direct gaze represents his "strong connection to his fans and music". The monarch butterfly symbolises royalty and his "metamorphosis as a singer and entertainer".
And the naked cherubs? We've run out of room, thank God.
Do say: "He'll be turning in his grave."
Don't say: "Quick, get a camera into it!"
