Age: 72.
Appearance: Moody, greasy, wearing a hoodie.
A septuagenarian yobbo? Try again.
Jimmy Savile? Not quite. It's Superman.
Superman? As in wholesome superhero Clark Kent? As in the Y-front-wearing Man of Steel? As in the second greatest cultural icon ever, after Oprah, as decreed back in 2004 by US cable television channel VH1, no less? Yup. One and the same.
But moody, greasy, and wearing a hoodie? Surely not! 'Fraid so. He's been given a makeover into a 20-year-old emo by J Michael Straczynski.
Who? You know, J Michael Straczynski. The guy in charge of the monthly Superman mag. DC Comics has just released his new graphic novel, Superman: Earth One, which re-imagines Clark Kent for a 21st-century audience. It's part of a new series where superheroes are re-deployed in a modern context. Batman's next.
So let's get this straight. Superman's gone grumpy, and he hates everyone? More or less.
But not too grumpy to save the world? Well, he'll do it in a world-weary sort of way. As the story opens, Superman doesn't know what to do with his life, or how best to use his superhuman powers.
And I take it he's no longer dabbling in the Fourth Estate? He's not a reporter to begin with, no. He's just a jobless twentysomething. This is Superman, 2010-style – no one has jobs.
And no one wears Y-fronts, I expect. There'll be fewer of them, certainly. Superman's all skinny jeans and leather jackets now. Out goes the cape, in comes the hood.
So his dyed-black goth hair can stay dry in the rain? No, so he can appeal more to the Twilight generation.
Less Christopher Reeve, more Robert Pattinson. Exactly.
Less muscle, more cheekbone. You've got it.
Less superhero, more super-emo. Enough now.
Do say: "Is it a goth? Is it RPattz? No, it's Superman!"
Don't say: "I miss those Y-fronts."
