Age: 31.
Appearance: Continental.
Now, look. The Guardian may be famous for typos, but this will not do. What are you talking about?
Eu-rope? Eu-rope? There's no hyphen in Europe. It's just a bit of ink. No need to get so worked up.
I bet that's what Jonathan Franzen's publishers told him. I insist we pulp G2. I think I see the problem. You're confusing "Eu-rope" the sports chant with the continent that inspired it. It's like "Eng-er-land" and England. Imagine you've got a beer in one hand and you're cheering your team on to victory: "Eu-rope! Eu-rope!"
Don't be silly. No one ever cheers Europe on towards anything. The Olympics, the World Cup, Eurovision: it's every country for itself. You're forgetting the Ryder Cup. It started out as Britain versus the US, but since 1979 it's been the whole continent against America. This year seven plucky Brits competed alongside an Irishman, a Swede, a German, two Italians and a Spaniard. And we won! Take that, America!
Not so fast. The what cup? Ryder. The sporting event that's had the world on tenterhooks.
Really? The rainy thing? The Welsh thing? The hitty-ball-with-a-sticky thing?
Oh, the-turn-off-the-television thing. Are you sure? Some of the home crowd must have been shouting things like "Ev-rópa!". Whatever. It was a still a great moment for continental harmony. The fans even waved the European flag.
They didn't! All right, they didn't. They waved the next best thing: the EU flag. Fortunately there weren't any Swiss or Norwegians in the team, or there could have been a nasty diplomatic incident. Even the Ryder Cup people admit the EU flag's not quite right.
What would be? Perhaps we could rally round a scene from antiquity. Or perhaps not. According to Greek legend, Europa was a princess who got knocked up by a bull.
Do say: "In your face, USA!"
Don't say: "If only it was a proper sport."
