Age: Thirtyish.
Appearance: Bloody complicated.
I sense a certain trepidation on your part: Too right. I was hoping to do a pass notes on autumn. "Season of mists and mellow fruitfulness! / Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun; / Conspiring with him . . ."
You're just trying to fill this entire column with irrelevant poetry because you have no idea of the system by which Labour's next leader will be elected: I have some idea.
Go on then. There's an electoral college made up of MPs a nd MEPs, individual party members and affiliated organisations such as trade unions. Each accounts for a third of the college. Their ballot papers will start arriving today – it's a postal vote.
And then? The vote is a transferable eliminating ballot. Voters mark the candidates one, two, three, etc. Each round will be published as 100%, with votes not cast or transferred being eliminated from the calculations.
You're just quoting from the Labour party's website and don't really have a clue what you're on about. What it seems to mean is that the votes in each part of the college are added up, and then weighted to get the result of that round. The candidate who is last drops out and they count again, adding in the transferred votes. The final result will be announced on 25 September, the day before the annual conference.
Well, no one said democracy was straightforward. That was certainly how the Bennites saw it in the late 1970s. Until then the leader was voted in by MPs, but the left wanted party members to decide. The electoral college emerged as a compromise.
It produced Tony Blair so it can't be all bad. [Sound of pistol being fired.]
Hello, are you still there? You haven't told me how the shadow cabinet is being elected yet. Isn't there a rumour that Gordon Brown might stand? Why are you lying on the floor?
Do say: "Where are the songs of spring? Ay, where are they?"
Don't say: "Can't the Milibands just arm wrestle for it?"
