Appearance: Squidgy.
Weight: State secret.
You seem a bit short on facts: Have you ever tried dealing with the Buckingham Palace press office?
He looks strangely like a Christmas pudding: No need to get personal.
This isn't a pass notes about puddings which you are trying to pass off as one about a member of the royal household, is it? Touché.
Get on with it then: Andrew Farquharson, head of the Queen's food section, silver-salver-in-waiting and keeper of the colonial condiments, has stunned the Christmas pudding world by giving the royal seal of approval to Tesco's Matured Christmas pudding.
Crikey, you mean . . . Yes. Tesco's 2lb, £7.75 upstart has beaten Harrods' 3lb, £17.95 Super Luxury Christmas pudding.
So, thanks to Mr F, the Queen will be tucking into Tesco's pudding during her Christmas broadcast. Not necessarily. The palace has bought 1,411 Tesco puddings for distribution among the Queen's staff, but it will not confirm that a Tesco pudding will grace the royal table.
You mean HM might have a Super Luxury pudding after all? You're pudding words into my mouth.
What's so special about the Tesco pudding anyway? The fresh cream, finest almonds, whole cherries, and lashings of cognac and rum, sumptuously assembled by Anton Edelmann, chef at the Savoy.
Yum yum. I suppose price was a factor. Mr Farquharson (remember him?) chose the Tesco pudding in a blind tasting, so the £10,000 saving by not buying from the Egyptian-owned royal warrant holder was clearly not a factor.
Surely Mr Fayed's attack on Prince Philip in court must have hampered Harrods' cause: That's a wild conspiracy theory: find yourself a publisher immediately.
Not to be confused with: Prince Charles's hand-made slippers (a snip at £425, but not at Tesco).
Do say: "Thank you ma'am."
Don't say: "It's a fuggin' scandal."
