Appearance: Outraged Hubert Lane-ite in deadly feud with Just Tony and the New Labour Outlaws.
Occupation: Spin doctor, Labour-baiter and Tory MP for Westmorland and Lonsdale since 1997.
Sounds posh. Is he a toff then? Bless me, no. He's a fanatical young Tory from the Essex suburb of Epping who has lived, breathed and drunk politics since boyhood. And when I say "drunk" I only mean on Fanta and Pepsi.
Anything else? He's a fanatical devotee of Star Trek, Thunderbird and Dr Who whose entire output he is said to have on tape.
Sad bugger. That would explain the weirdos surrounding William Hague: It might, though Tim is usually an efficient assassin.
What's he done to reach the Passnotes Hall of Fame? Tim's the boy who ran around the TV studios accusing Labour and the Times of conniving in a Watergate-style break-in to obtain details of Michael 'Belize' Ashcroft's donations to the party.
Watergate as in Tricky Dicky Nixon? That's a bit OTT, isn't it? Indeed it is. He seems to have forgotten that UnTricky Tony is to become a father again. The Times felt he "may have gone over the top".
The Times would, wouldn't it? Hush child, a lawsuit is pending from Mr Ashcroft.
What did Tim do before he was an MP then? He drove out heresy. As John Major's spinner he once called John Redwood's supporters "a swivel-eyed barmy army from Ward 8 at Broadmoor".
That's a bit steep: Always remember, Epping Tory loyalists almost deselected swivel-eyed Winston Churchill in March 1939.
Most likely to say: "Come round to my place for a Fanta and compare Tom Baker's Doctor with William Hartnell's. They're both good."
Least likely to say: "I thought Blair made a fair point against William at PMQs."
Not to be confused with: Wilkie Collins, Joan Collins, Michael Collins, the Tardis.
