Public image: Low-energy sport favoured principally by retirees. "It provides a social centre for the elderly and keeps them out of hospital," says George Shaw, secretary of the English Bowling Association.
When it's not putting them into hospital, that is. You're thinking of Jack Parker, the captain of a Leeds team who recently head-butted an opponent in the car park after a match.
Yes. Bit of a nutter, isn't he? Not according to the bowling authorities. "The lad was just getting carried away in the heat of the moment," a committee member said.
Lad? He is 70 years old and got off with a two-year playing suspension owing to his advanced years and previously unblemished track record. In his defence, he cited provocation.
I didn't think there was much scope for head-butting in bowls. That just shows how condescending you are. Underneath the flat cap and Thermos flask image there is scope for all the thrills of more high-risk sports.
Such as? Swearing: Griff Sanders, the 25-year-old bad boy of bowls, was banned for 10 years for scribbling "John Smerdon is a tosser" on his score card. (Mr Smerdon was the club secretary).
And? Punch-ups: Les Gillett, the 28-year-old England player, was roughed up and nearly pushed into a swimming pool by the opposing team after an international game.
Anything else? Drinking: Hugh Duff, a Scottish bowls player, was sent home in disgrace after hanging about in the club bar after curfew...
OK, OK. What's the point? That bowls isn't as slow motion as you might think. England won the war on the bowling greens of Newquay.
Do say: Bowls, wimpish? Most of these players fought in the trenches.
Don't say: Whatever next, death-match bingo?
Not to be confused with: Shotputting, a Glasgow kiss.
