Age: 363 days.
Appearance: Once.
And how’s it been? You mean you don’t know?
I had a pretty big 2014 and I’ve been detoxing in bed ever since. Were there awful disasters and atrocities? I’m afraid so. Especially an earthquake in Nepal that everyone has forgotten about.
I’m sorry to hear that. But is humanity still surviving and mostly still nice? Yes.
I suppose that’s something. Who had a good year? Space nerds, on balance, because we took incredible pictures of Pluto, and found liquid water on Mars.
Why only on balance? Terry Pratchett and Leonard Nimoy died.
That’s sad. Who else had a good year? Tories.
Also sad. Did they somehow form another coalition? Nope. They won an outright majority then watched Labour elect Jeremy Corbyn as their new leader.
Who? Jeremy Corbyn. He’s a lefty from the 1980s.
Wait, but … I mean how did … No one really knows what happened, OK? Ed Miliband just turned up one day with a giant gravestone, then lost, then everything went crazy, and at the end Corbyn was doing prime minister’s questions.
Blimey. What else did I miss? Greece finally defaulted on its debt.
So are they out of the euro now? Or were they let off? Neither. They just got another bailout and some new deadlines.
Bor-ing. Who had a bad year? Sepp Blatter and Jeremy Clarkson. They both lost their jobs.
Get in! Why? Suspended for corruption and punching someone for steak, respectively.
I wish it had been the other way around. Tough.
How does punching someone get you a steak? That was never really made clear. I think if you just punch everyone who doesn’t bring you a steak, eventually you get a steak. Oh, and Ireland and the US legalised gay marriage.
Great! And Harper Lee published another novel.
Two Kill a Mockingbird? No. It’s an ancient first draft called Go Set a Watchman.
Any good? Not really. It’s a bit depressing, actually.
How come? Never mind. On the plus side, both Wayne Rooney and the Queen finally broke the big records.
Which records? Goals scored and years reigned for England, respectively.
Again, I kind of wish that …Tough.
Do say: How did the Ashes go?
Don’t say: Excellent. How about the Rugby World Cup?
