Name: Panya the pygmy hippo.
Age: About three weeks.
Appearance: Adorable, to a world-conquering degree.
God, I’ve never wanted to hear about a three-week-old pygmy hippo more. Right? Everything is so bleak at the moment, only the sight of a tiny baby animal can save us now.
How tiny are we talking? Oh, unbelievably tiny. There are pictures of a two-week-old Panya standing next to a lettuce. Guess what? They’re the same size!
This is too cute. I can’t handle it. Nor can anyone. Panya, born at a zoo in the German city of Duisburg at the end of last month, has already become a sensation online. He has driven Reddit into a frenzy, with one commenter frothing: “Look at that little bean!! Welcome to the fun, little one! We shall post about you with reckless abandon.” It’s just like Moo Deng all over again.
Sorry, who? Moo Deng? The pygmy hippo who went viral after she was born last year in Si Racha, Thailand. Surely you remember that.
Is she smaller and cuter than Panya? Well, given she is more than a year older than Panya, she probably isn’t smaller, no.
Ugh, yuck, not interested. What? Why? Surely Moo Deng hasn’t lost all her appeal purely because you have been distracted by another baby animal?
Get that ancient has-been out of my sight. But surely the world is big enough to contain two miniature hippopotamuses at the same time. Especially given that the World Wildlife Fund reckons there are only about 2,500 pygmy hippos out in the wild as it is.
Listen, it isn’t my fault that pygmy hippos quickly grow out of their cuteness. Where can I see Panya, the tiny king of my heart? Right now, nowhere. He is still so young and small that he is being kept in a private enclosure with his mother. Eventually, Duisburg zoo will put him on public display.
My heart will explode when I see him. Careful, now. Viral fame doesn’t often sit well with animals.
What are you talking about? Remember Knut, the orphaned polar bear from Berlin zoo? He was unveiled to 400 journalists in 2007, and proved so popular that the zoo’s attendance that year rose by 30%.
That’s so adorable. Also, remember how Knut had encephalitis, had a seizure and died in front of about 700 onlookers at the age of four? And remember that a leading zoologist claimed that life in the public eye had turned him into “a psychopath, addicted to human attention”?
Jesus. Sorry, too bleak. I’ll keep it light.
Essentially you’re saying we shouldn’t get too excited about Panya, nor put any undue pressure on him? No, be excited by all means, but just retain a sense of perspective. A baby pygmy hippo is for life, remember, not just for Christmas.
Do say: “The internet loves cute animals.”
Don’t say: “Arise Panya, saviour of humankind.”
