GRIME AND PUNISHMENT
The story goes that a glance at his own premature obituary caused Marcus Garvey, the civil rights activist, such shock that he promptly shuffled off this mortal coil for real. It is certainly the kind of thing that might at the least bring on an existential crisis, so The Fiver has spent much of today fearing for Manchester City’s – fair cop, Uefa, you scooped us – John Stones after waking up to the sight of his name insouciantly lodged amid their Big Cup squad list. Yes, Stones’ plot among the sky blue centre-backs was helpfully marked out hours before City or Everton could stir themselves, and the world’s second most expensive defender – £47.5m! – looked to be in rude health if his excited-new-signing pics were anything to go by, cagouled up for the Manchester weather and impervious to seeing his life flash before his eyes via Uefa’s website.
Maybe there are those who view Tuesday morning’s release as an exciting move from Uefa, proving that traditional media need not be the go-to for the biggest stories. Presumably its media team are skimming stones wistfully on Lake Geneva as we speak, cursing themselves for not announcing that Dab University has a new vice-chancellor. City may have opted for a night of shut-eye but their cross-town rivals were jacked on caffeine, alert and chirpy in that cloying, hyperactive-child manner adopted by most club media these days, swatting aside the embarrassment of being outdone by their own laundry ladies to parade their new signing – £93.2m! – to insomniacs via a flurry of short videos, one of which even lowered itself to affording the briefest glimpse of an actual football.
That error of judgment was corrected by a “day in the life” film aired on Tuesday lunchtime, which began with Paul Pogba being ushered off a private jet and spirited to Carrington in a gleaming red Chevrolet – because supporters are expected to cluck indulgently at this kind of thing – and wound up after a gruelling regimen of fist bumps and promotional shoots. There is no such thing, if you are Manchester United, as keeping your powder dry; it’s hard to see Pogba flopping at Old Trafford but equally difficult to discern exactly how relevant to anything it will be if he ends up playing badly.
Nonetheless, we will miss the reassuring hum of news, real or manufactured, that Pogba and Stones’ transfer sagas have provided us amid a summer otherwise replete with wild, scarcely believable tidings that change the very landscape we live in. It says something for this age when the manners in which both deals were eventually confirmed seem to fit like an old, much-loved glove; in one sense neither player has ever felt more present but in another, as a mistimed obit might have it, we’ll miss them now that they’re gone.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The grass was too long” – Maidenhead United’s mascot, Yorkie the Magpie, gets his excuses in after his hoof fell off, causing him to trip over and lose his head, and enabling Woking FC’s Kingfield The Kat to win a mascot race at Windsor racecourse.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: encounters with footballers on public transport (yesterday’s Fiver letters). One fine morning a few years back I caught a train from Oxford to London, and, once I had finished congratulating myself on nabbing a coveted window seat with a table upon which I could rest my takeaway coffee, found myself sitting opposite former Arsenal star, and recurring terror in Ruud van Nistelrooy’s nightmares, Martin Keown. We exchanged some words on how refreshing it was to be able to find a seat on this crowded line, and how it was totally worth waiting for the first off-peak train of the morning when prices really toppled down. Keown was quite passionate on this latter topic. Hopefully the off-peak savings continue to help him pay off that tax bill” – Hayley Wood.
“One night after Arsenal lost to Nasty Leeds, ending any chance of winning the league (again), I travelled on the same flight to Luxembourg with Emmanuel Petit (I assume he was visiting his money). As a fan I wasn’t best pleased with the performance, but still asked for an autograph for my son. He grudgingly gave it. On the way back we were both in line at check-in; the flight was over-booked and they bumped him from business to economy. Oh how I chuckled from my business seat” – Robin Kent.
“Jon Clarke (yesterday’s Fiver letters) is worried about ruining his ‘street cred’ by admitting he attended a Secret Cinema showing of Dirty Dancing. Jon, hate to be the one to break it to you, but any street cred you might have had went right out the window when you admitted to reading The Fiver” – Ben Graham.
“I was thinking that perhaps The Fiver should have occasional guest editors, to inject some humour (you may need to look that one up) into the column. I would like you to give the opportunity to the good folk at the FA Council, who created that genuine laugh-out-loud moment by appointing Katrien Meire, Charlton’s accident-prone chief suit, to its august body” – Robert Darby.
“Of course, I clicked the link in yesterday’s last line without checking for ‘media volume’. I think it went down well on the conference call” – Philip Jones.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of long-suffering reader Alan Gernon’s new book, Retired: What Happens to Footballers When the Game’s Up, is … Robin Kent. We’ve got more to give away so get typing.
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BITS AND BOBS
Taxpayers’ FC are feeling flush and have sent £20.5m to south Wales in exchange for Swansea’s André Ayew. “I am very proud and happy to be at this magnificent club,” he whooped. Some £15m of that is now winging its way to the Spanish capital, where Borja Bastón is being packed off by Atlético into a sizeable parcel addressed for the Liberty Stadium.
Frank de Boer is the new head coach of Internazionale. “We speak the same language – myself, the president and the management team. We want to win,” he parped.
Norwich and Norn Iron 1-0 striker Kyle Lafferty has copped a £23,000 fine after accepting a charge of breaching FA betting rules.
Leicester may have lost the human dynamo that is N’Golo Kanté, but the surprise-package champions can still be a force this season, reckons goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel. “We’ve got loads of pace and you can see the options we’ve got coming off the bench,” he roared.
The referendum result threatens to increase intolerance outside football grounds and clubs must do more to promote community cohesion, according to Kick it Out chairman Lord Ouseley. “In the grassroots game people don’t complain because they don’t think anything will be done,” he said.
And Nigeria have appointed Gernot Rohr as their new technical adviser. “He was very positive, showed great interest in the job, is ready and willing to live in Nigeria, and swayed the committee with his calmness, good knowledge of the African terrain, focus and maturity,” bugled national federation suit Ahmed Yusuf Fresh.
STILL WANT MORE?
Pep Guardiola is here and he’s brought his boat shoes: David Squires is back, baby, and looks ahead to the Premier League season.
Buying back a player who did one four years ago for £93.2m doesn’t guarantee Manchester United success on the pitch, but it does prove they’re still a fascinating prospect off it, writes Paul Doyle.
What happens when a manager who defaults to 4-2-3-1 splashes out on a player who achieves the square root of not much in a 4-2-3-1? A 4-3-3, suggests Michael Cox, who gets tactical on Pogba’s big move.
And if you’ve had enough of words, here are the top 10 most expensive football players in the world – in pictures.
Brazil’s struggling stars could be set to complete a particularly compelling circle of angst at their home Olympics, writes Barney Ronay.
More from our series of Premier League previews: Jacob Steinberg ponders whether this might be the season Southampton’s ability to disintegrate and regenerate finally fails, while Paul Doyle delves into all things Stoke City.
Are Arsenal about to join the Silly Money party with a move for Internazionale’s Mauro Icardi? Nick Ames has the skinny on the latest from football’s insuppressible Rumour Mill.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
